Written by Jalapenoman
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Monday, 10 September 2007

My son is "campaigning" for office. In fact, he is running to be the president of his high school freshmen class at Onate High School in Las Cruces, New Mexico.

FYI: The school is named of one of the famous explorers who enslaved lots of natives and killed and tortured them just for fun. I think his full name was Don Juan Julio Cesar Chavez Taco Bell Gonzalez Virgin de Guadalupe Onate or something like that. The "n" in his name has one of those squiggly lines above it, so it is actually pronounced "own ya tay." I can't get those squiggly line "n" keys on this keyboard, but it is an extra letter in the Spanish alphabet (along with the double l's, which are prounounced as a "y", as in Pancho Villa or tortilla).

Anyway, being the wonderful lover of things serious, and having a son who feels the same way, we came up with a campaign flyer for him to pass out. On one side, it lists the standard "vote for me" kind of stuff. On the other, he lists the reasons why he should receive the support of all of the other pubescent, hormonally challenged fourteen year olds in the school.

Every single person between the ages of 13 and 21 that has read this flyer, with just two exceptions, thought it was the funniest thing they had seen in a long time. Since these are the same people who enjoy Jack Black, Adam Sandler, and Will Ferrell movies, that isn't saying much.

Here, then, is the back of the flyer:

Top Ten Reasons Why You Should Vote
William "Billy" Hatch
Freshmen Class President

  1. He thinks Onate has the hottest girls (in other words, he isn't stupid or blind and knows a good thing when he sees it).
  2. He was not involved in the Michael Vick pit bull fighting case and has never been suspended by the NFL.
  3. If he lived in Idaho, he would "Vote for Pedro."
  4. He thinks the cafeteria should give you a happy meal toy if you eat their hamburgers.
  5. He thinks that sleeping in class ought to be protected under the Bill of Rights as freedom of expression.
  6. He will never resign to go to California and perform on American Idol (it is more likely that he could carry the football team than carry a tune...as he can's sing!).
  7. He really is "Smarter Than A Fifth Grader."
  8. He may be the only Onate student to ever pilot a plane over the school.
  9. He cares so much about the underprivileged that he has the world's dumbest dog as a pet.
  10. He thinks that mayfield and las cruces high schools are so lame that they don't even deserve capitalization. In fact, he'd sponsor legislation to keep these lower level schools in the lower case!

Remember: A vote for Billy is a vote to Gir-R-Done!

The election is later in the week.

By the way, my son does have a student pilot's license for gliders and has flown both a glider and the tow plane over the school.

Another note: Mayfield (called Gayfield as a derogatory term by students at Onate) and Las Cruces High are the other two high schools in town.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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