Written by Johnny Ovaltine
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Tags: Wales

Tuesday, 7 August 2007

While it may very well be true that Disestablishmentarianism originated in the northern province of Wales back in 24 A.D., it is by far the least pronounced. Yet the ripple effect generated by its onset can still be felt today. Sir Barnaby Jones of the Schlameel, Schlamazel, Hosselbeck Incorporated Trust, (S.S.H.I.T.), has an austere outlook of the situation. This is a compilation of his thoughts extracted from conversations and excerpts from his book, "Chicks Rule."

According to Jones, the Establishment ,originally established at the turn of the century, found its niche through marauders that spread the chaos via parchments past along with rudimentary Disestablishmentarianistic connotations in retort to the Kings hierarchy. Many a plebiscite was condemned and put to the gallows in an effort to cull the impending disaster. In a sinister plot unmatched by anyone since Genghis Chaka Khan or Ming the Merciless Cross-dresser, a ruthless chain of events began to unfold.

Barnaby claims to have original texts depicting the actions of the royal alchemists who utilized exacting prowess to construct a matrix that could effectively counteract the Disestablismentarianistically inclined thugs who sought to destabilize the Establishment.
"Thus, the birth of disestablishmentarianistology invariably let to the catastrophic events that brought about the Anti-Disestablishmentarianismistologianistic movement in Prague circa 1701," said the enigmatic professor.

He went on to say that, in and of itself, however, this did not immediately cause the global financial decay witnessed today. The opposing parties became stagnant. A veritable ubiquitous stalemate impregnated by the enflamed oily discharges of a crusty sphincter. This is how Women's Suffrage was born and the world has been spiraling into oblivion ever since. Nothing in this world exists that can withstand the shriek of a woman.

"The interjection of female testosterone has seriously eroded the intestinal fortitude of many upright walking males today. As a result, a race of zombies has been created through the increase in lactation, domestication and demasculination of the American carnivore," said leading Sissiologist, and hot pants wearing co-author, Richard Simmons.

"The most evidenciary signs and symptoms are visible through the application of the Quantum Physics Sphygmomanometer. In this way we can see the gradual incrementation of forced gardening on the weekends instead of hunting, pushing the shopping cart around in the supermarket with a grocery list while she gets her nails done, and watered-down liquor bottles in the cabinet."

The trend is alarming. "If I could just get out of Home Depot and her fixit projects while she shops for another pair of shoes I'd have it made," said average citizen John Q. Public. "Although we can predict the exact movements and affix mathematical values to all the variables we're still unable to alter the outcomes," admits Jones. But the worse may be yet to come as witnessed in a new group claiming the center ring, the Semi-Anti-Disestablishmentarianisticologicalismists. "We're not totally whooped, we're more like spanked…" God help us.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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