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Wednesday, 25 July 2007

Joan has popped to the retirement home to see her mother Mary. Mary is in the television room with several other residents. Joan takes a seat next to her.

Joan Hi Mum. How are you.

Mary[/strong (Arms folded across her chest) Pissed right off. I am bloody bored in here. Gerald keeps pinching my arse. (Points towards a gentleman who is smirking at them)

Joan (Laughs & wags her finger at him) Gerald leave my mothers bum alone.

Mary I told him fondle but don't pinch, I tell you I hate pinching. It is a pointless act of violence with no sexual excitement to the victim. (Pushes her false teeth in and out of her mouth with her tongue)

A nurse has wandered in to give out pills to some of the residents.

Nurse You don't mind pinching my arm on occasion's do you Mary?

Mary You are trying to poison me that's why. I am writing a diary about you lot I tell you. Social Services would have a field day with this place. (waves her walking stick about)

Joan Don't be silly mum.

Mary You don't know what its like in here. It's a hell hole. See that thing over there.(Points to an old lady who is sitting in her wheelchair, with her face 3" from the TV Screen)

Joan Yes that lady, what about her.

Mary She is the resident bike.

Nurse MARY!!

Mary She is. I saw her wheeling into Albert's room the other night. Naked she was, Vile it was. She almost caught her tits in the wheel spokes.

Nurse (Stiffles a giggle) She was probably on a wander. She does that.

Mary Yeah sure! Wondering where her next ride is. Filthy trike. Look can someone wheel the gammy legged whore away. I cant see the TV.

Joan (Tries to change the subject)How was the Wednesday evening entertainment Mum.

Mary (Snorts)Entertainment. Some half dead singing cowboy with a water pistol. Squirted me right in my minny. Nearest thing you get to a shower with these half wits caring for you. (cackles)

Joan (Ignores her) Well I thought I might take you to the beach Sunday.

Mary Don't bother. It will probably rain & I will drown.

Joan Well if it doesn't rain would you like to go to Brighton Beach. Just think of all those lovely memories you and Dad had of Brighton Beach.

Mary Your dad the twat.

Joan Come on Mum, you loved dad.

Mary Only on Tuesdays at 9.45pm till 9.47pm

Nurse Mary had a little fall didn't you.

Mary I was pushed. It was an attempt at murder.

Nurse She fell and hurt her leg Joan.

Joan Awwww! Poor mum. What happened (turns to Mary)

Mary That Alfred tried to kill me so he did.

Nurse No he did not Mary, you tripped on your walking stick and fell.

Mary That Alfred tried to assassinate me. You remember Alfred don't you Joan. I told you about him last time you visited.

Joan Is this the German Gentleman.

Mary Fucking Nazi.

Nurse That's not very nice Mary.

Mary I think he knows I am a bit Jewish.

Nurse Mary he is blind, deaf & bedridden.

Mary So he makes out. Who do you reckon left the gas on in the kitchen.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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