Written by trythisathome
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Tags: Couch

Wednesday, 25 July 2007

A woman lounging on the couch, on the phone to NHS DIRECT.

Operator Hello NHS direct. How can I help you?

Woman I need to speak to a Doctor or nurse please. It is quite important

Operator What is the problem?

Woman Well my husband's head seems to have fallen off!

Pan to woman holding her husbands head in her arms.

Operator Well, we are very busy at the moment. It may take up to 80 minutes to get a call back. I will Mark you as a 2. The marking system goes from 1 if the person is dying up to 10 for a grazed knee.

Woman But his head has fallen off!

Operator Well he is dead DUH! That means there is no rush to help him.

Woman He is perfectly alive, I can assure you.

Operator What, without an attached head?!

Woman Would you like to speak to him, hold on.

Woman puts the phone to the man's head.

Man Hello my head seems to have fallen away from my body. I think I need to speak to someone as soon as possible.

Woman lifts the phone back to her ear.

Woman Are we still marked at a 2?

Operator No you are now a 4. The head spoke so that means his breathing is fine. You will receive a call within 120 minutes. Bye now.

5 hours later the phone rings

Woman Hello?

Nurse Hello there, This is a nurse. I am returning your call to NHS Direct. How is your husband's head?

Woman Well it is still away from his body.

Nurse Ok right, is your husband able to talk

Woman Hold on he is sleeping I will just wake him up.

Woman picks up her husbands head from under her arm and starts shaking it violently. His eyes open, roll about for a while then he awakens.

Woman Right he is awake now, I will just put him on.

Woman puts her husbands head on top of her own head.

Woman Right I am wearing him now. He is on.

Nurse I really would like to speak to your husband please.

Woman *Tsk*. Puts him on her lap and places the phone to his ear.

Man (Very sleepy voice) Hello?

Nurse I understand from your wife that your head has fallen off.

Man (Yawns) Yes, I am afraid so. Clean off.

Nurse Are you suffering from any dizzy spells?

ManNah.

Nurse What is your body doing?

Pans to his body, which is lying in a crumpled heap on the floor

Man Erm...Not a lot really!

Nurse Is your head swollen at all?

Man No I don't think so.

Nurse Are you in any pain?

Man Surprisingly, no actually.

Nurse Are you on any medication?

Man Umm yes I am. I am taking gongameenaluna.

Nurse Ahhh! Gongameenaluna.

Man Yes gongameenaluna. Does that explain anything?

Nurse No not at all I am afraid. I have no idea why gongameenaluna tablets would cause your head to fall off.

Man Oh!

Nurse So you are not dizzy, or swollen or in any pain. Your breathing is fine because you are speaking.

Man That's correct.

Nurse So apart from the fact that your head has fell away from your body you are in perfect health?

Man Perfecto

Nurse Right. All I can say is should any of the symptoms you don't appear to have become apparent, please call NHS Direct again. Or go to your local Hospital. You are now marked at a 10. A call back will take around 3 days, ok? Now if you don't mind I am hanging up. There could be some person who is really sick trying to get through. (Mutters: "Time wasting decapitated freak" under her breath.)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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