Written by Ed E. Druckman
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Tuesday, 17 July 2007

(Washington, D.C.) Leaking more than an octogenarian alcoholic at a free beer tasting, yet another memo has come out of the White House. It details a training tape in which former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld claimed that Adult Contemporary music should be used to "assuage citizens' fears of a terrorist attack."

"I don't know about you, but I find that Bert Bacharach Geico commercial to just calm me down when I'm having one of those Iraq was a bad idea seconds," the 2005 dated memo begins. "I just wish they would let Bert sing more, because that's what does it for me. And while I may be wrong on many things, I'm willing to bet all two armored Hummers in Amarah the American people share my feelings on Bert Bacharach as a terror weapon."

The proposed training video was to have Americans in various situations that can cause fear. That fear then vanishes when adult contemporary music is played. Rumsfeld took what money was left in the Social Security trust to shoot test audio footage of three men locked in a stalled elevator. Why a stalled elevator? "For those people who don't think it's as terrifying as patrolling a town full of snipers, let them talk to me after they've been stuck in an elevator with George Bush for an hour."

When a reporter asked White House Press Secretary Tony Snow about this at his morning press conference, his initial response of "this is a joke, right?" was modified at his afternoon press conference. Snow said that after having a chance to evaluate the situation and drink heavily, he had spoken unclearly. "When I said earlier that former Defense Secretary Rumsfeld's belief that Adult Contemporary music is an effective deterrent in the war on terror was a joke, I was using that as, um, an object lesson. Like, worrying about terrorism, this is a joke, because I just listened to some Air Supply, and now I have no fear or worry at all. And then I listened to Christopher Cross's "Sailing". Now when I think about how we're doing in Iraq and the solutions the administration comes up to right things, I really understand how we got to where we are...wait...uh...oh sh*t." Snow then began singing the "Candy Man" while doing a soft shoe off stage.

Was Donald Rumsfeld right? See if this tape calms you.

FUN FACT:This is the first time in the history of the American military that Bert Bacharach was used as a weapon.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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