Written by Pariah
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Tags: Earth, NASA, Space

Monday, 1 March 2004

NASA announced today that they would be sending Stephen Hawking into space to serve as Earth's ambassador to the Interstellar Federation of Alien Races Tribunal (IFART). This organization, comprised of over 500 different intelligent species from 134 different galaxies, is responsible for 95% of all alien visits to the planet Earth.

"Of course we can't control all traffic to the planet," stated Ambassador Gelair, a Neebian who looks deceptively like a half melted blancmange. "There are always a few thrill-seekers buzzing aircraft, flattening cornfields and giving rednecks anal probes...what can you do?"

The IFART organization has been considering numerous species from Earth for potential new members. However, in the past 6,000 years, only the dolphins and cats have been offered membership. "We just haven't found any humans who really qualify as intelligent," stated Ambassador Macar, a half-simian from the Joliar quasar fields of Nibingo-6.

"I'm the second member of my family to be able to walk upright, and the first born without a tail, you'd think they would at least consider me," President Bush remarked upon learning of Hawking's selection.

"Hawking is clearly the most intelligent man alive, if he can't secure a membership with IFART, no one can," commented James Schwartz, Chief Panelist for the Earth Candidate Selection Committee, and inventor of those little diagrams that show you how to put batteries into something. "IFART is very stringent in their approval of members...Bill Gates tried to buy a membership and they just laughed and told him "the only blue screen of death we want to see is the force-field around the JAX7 Prison Planet."

"They did, however, offer former US President Bill Clinton a part-time position as a toilet attendant in the IFART headquarters, but he turned it down once he learned most of the races have incompatible genitalia", stated Dweezil Monscrub, panelist and international playboy (reader).

The date of Hawking's historic space flight has not been set as NASA endeavors to reconstruct a space shuttle for wheelchair accessibility. We wish you well Stephen, and are proud to have you representing our Planet.


The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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