Written by Fred Peters
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Saturday, 7 July 2007

Diary of Gordon Ramsay aged 40 ½
Friday

Jump. Screw up chin and make seep frown lines. Smack palm with back of hand.

People say I'm a bully but I know they're all talking utter bollocks. I had a commis chef called Karl last week and he kept making shit sausages. I said it's really about not being able to get it up with your wife (slap) Limp sausage, limp dick.

(Slap) So I broke into his house with my fists and showed his wife how it's done. She loves me on the telly so she was bang up for it.

First, rip off her tights, yes (jump, jump)? Bit of a snog but not too much.

Co-oooooooooock.

Miiiiiiiiiiiiiinge.

Bit of a pounding for two minutes.

Man custard.

Done!
See? No nonsense banging makes for excellent bangers.

I had to sack commis chef Karl but I made him watch me do his wife first.

Bully, my arse. Now fuck off out of my bedroom. Oh, it's not my bedroom but fuck off anyway.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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