Written by Deanna Goodson
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Tags: Heaven

Thursday, 26 February 2004

image for "The Passion": An Expert's View Bob, AKA God, kickin' it at home, Hef-style

A Undisclosed part of Heaven --

God decided that he would speak out about Mel Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ" today. As he mentioned, "everyone else has an opinion, so I thought I'd voice mine."

God is planning on seeing the movie in about thirty years, when Mel can show it to him personally. "We have plenty of movie theaters in heaven, but this is a heavy sort of topic and I'd rather wait until Mel and I can talk about it, you know. I love Hollywood. I really do. I think that Charlize Theron's pretty cute. I hope she wins the Oscar on Sunday."

He has heard that it is Anti-Semitic and violent. He hopes that it isn't because that would be unfortunate and some idiots may be incited to violence and that's just stupid. "There have been so many idiotic things done in my name. I'd hate to see any more. Although, I would rather not deem the movie as Anti-Semitic until I've seen it. I hope that others wait to see the movie until they voice their opinions too."

However, he wishes that they got a better-looking woman to play Mary. "She's cute, but not as hot as Mary was. Why else would I have, you know, with Mary?"

Jesus was shorter in the film than he remembered him being, but, "it was such a long time ago."

God also thinks that Pilate had more hair. No one can be sure about the accuracy of the Bible's depictions. He admonishes those who take a literal view of the Bible by saying, "Men wrote it and well, they can be liars. I should know. I created them."

God is glad that people still care about what happened to Jesus. It was a terrible thing. However, he warns everyone to not take everything so seriously or so literally. God is not even named God.

"Yep. My name is Bob and I take up a large part of Heaven. Sort of like Donald Trump. I have a great set up and a hot girlfriend, Cleopatra. I am not the only God. We up here just don't comprehend why y'all down there fight so much over this crap."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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