Written by Danny Buckle
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Tuesday, 1 May 2007

A young man walks down a busy high street. He is suddenly distracted by a poster on a hoarding it reads..

Is there something missing in your life but you can't quite put your finger on it? Disillusioned with humanity? Ever wondered what is the meaning of life? Then come on down to Faith4u. We are the one stop shop for all faiths from crack pot ideologies to hard core religions.

Faith4u we've got it all, the afterlife, alternative dressing and some serious chanting. Yes it's all here at Faith4u, 54 the high street. See you there?

Intrigued he makes his way to the address given by the posters and enters. Inside it resembles a typical car phone shop. A coolly dressed sales assistant looks up and asks.

SALESMAN: Hi what can I do for you

MAN: Ermm I'd like a religion please

SALESMAN: Ok.. Any particular type?

MAN: Not really, what have you got?

SALESMAN Well we've got everything.

POINTS TO THE BOXES OF MERCHANDISE ON HIS DISPLAY

SALESMAN: How about Catholicism?. It's an all time classic. You get free ring tone for your phone of your favourite latin mass and a bath time Pope on a Rope. Very popular.

MAN: Does it have an afterlife?

SALESMAN: Absolutely. It comes with an afterlife guarantee but it is a long term contract. There is a get out clause but you will be excommunicated if you do opt out.

MAN: Hmm, not sure about that.


SALESMAN: Ok you could give Judaism a try. Pork is off the menu I'm afraid.

MAN: I'm a vegetarian.

SALESMAN: Ah! This could be the one for you then.
MAN: Tell me more.

SALESMAN: Well there aren't many good points I'm afraid. You'll get picked on a lot and it's a bit unimaginative in the wardrobe area. You'll have to grow a funny beard and wear a daft hat.

MAN: Do you get a choice of colours?

SALEMAN: Just black.

MAN: Don't think I'll get many girlfriends looking like that do you.

SALESMAN: Not really, although it is popular with train spotters and IT nerds.

MAN: Sorry, what else have you got.

SALESMAN: Ok what about ISLAM. Another best seller. Again it has an afterlife guarantee, the food is great but you do have do a Haj.

MAN: What's that?

SALESMAN: It's a pilgrimage to Mecca.

MAN: I'm not keen on travelling.

SALESMAN: Well it does comes in another version. ISLAMIC fundamentalist. You get a free ruck sack, an Osama Bin Laden mouse mat and best of all there's no long term contract.

MAN: Sounds great.

SALESMAN: Yes but you may have to carry out special religious missions.

MAN: Like what?

SALEMAN: Do you like meeting people and making friends?

MAN: Yes

SALEMAN: Forget that one then.

MAN: Have you got something more radical?

SALEMAN: More radical than ISLAMIC fundamentalism. Well I may have something under the counter.

MAN: Like what?

SALEMAN: How about…Ultra right wind CONSERVATISM?

MAN: Have they got many followers?

SALEMAN: Yes, but not what you'd class as clinically sane.

MAN: It's not for me.

SALESMAN: How about Buddhism?

MAN: What do you get with that one?

SALESMAN: This is a good-one very popular with students. And you did say you were vegetarian?

MAN: Yes

SALESMAN: Well it could be for you my friend. When you die you get to come back as another life form. It could be a fly or a gerbil for instance. It's a bit of a lottery. And your in luck because the Buddhist's are having a rollover week. Take out their offer now and you get to come back as a domestic pet. Could be a Dog or a cat.

MAN: I'm allergic to cats.

SALESMAN: Forget that then. I'm running out of options here. Errm … how about an Agnostic scratch card?

MAN: Agnostic scratch card?, how does that work.

SALESMAN: Just before you die you scratch off the hidden message to find out if there is a God or not. There may be, there may not be. Who knows? Keeps you guessing right up to the last.

MAN: No I don't like the uncertainty.


MAN POINTS TO A BLACK BOX AT THEN BACK OF THE DISPLAY

MAN: What's in that black box there?

SALESMAN: This one?

MAN: Yes

SALESMAN: That's atheism

MAN: What's in it.

SALESMAN: Nothing

MAN: What do you have to do?

SALESMAN: Nothing

MAN: How much is it?

SALEMAN: £12.99


MAN: I'll take it.

SALESMAN: Would you like an extended warranty with it? Your covered against acts of God and Jehovah's Witnesses.

MAN: Best to be on the safe side.

SALESMAN: Good choice.

MAN: Good day!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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