Written by Cal Jennings
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Friday, 27 April 2007

image for Cal-el Finds Alaska in His Freezer Gnarly Eric

Today, while looking at pictures of his late Texas Ranger grandfather, Cal-el got thirsty and decided to have a mint julep. He went to his Texas freezer to get some ice cubes. Much to his surprise, when he opened the freezer door, he found Alaska. He almost dropped it in his julep glass, thinking it was an ice cube.

Upon closer inspection, he thought he saw some fleas on Alaska, but they just turned out to be those tiny little Kodiak bears. Cal-el thought he'd look for some oil there, but the only oil he found was on Gnarly Eric's face when Gnarly Eric crawled out of his igloo.

Apparently, Gnarly Eric was suffering from delusions of grandeur caused by the Aurora Borealis. He was blabbing incessantly that he was, "fresh from the backwoods, half-horse, half-alligator, a little touched with the snapping turtle; can wade the Mississippi, leap the Ohio, ride a streak of lightning, slip without a scratch down a honey locust, can whip my weight in wildcats?…?." Gnarly Eric showed his disdain for Native Americans when he claimed to have once slain with a single shot both a deer and a Native American who was pursuing it. Said he was a lumberjack, Paul Bunyan, said he had a Blue Ox named "Babe" that was "forty-two ax handles and a plug of chewing tobacco between the eyes taught the bronco how to buck. He then claimed to have bought Texas and shipped it to Alaska in an article he wrote for TheSpoof.com. (See Alaskan Buys Texas, Ships Entire State Home) The truth is, Gnarly loves Texas and Texans so much that he wants it to be near him all the time. When he claimed to have purchased Texas, Cal-el didn't have the heart to tell him it wasn't so.

Alaska is so cold, it was obviously freezing Gnarly's brain. He had tried to keep his blood from freezing by drinking whiskey, but it's so cold in Alaska that there wasn't enough whiskey to keep the blood in his brain from freezing. He was spouting tall tales that made Texas brags look like the Wikipedia.

While he was there, Cal-el found out why they call that black wolf in Alaska "Romeo." It seems that Gnarly Eric has a thing for wildlife. Suddenly, he thought he was a salmon, jumped in the water, and started trying to swim upstream to spawn. Cal-el rescued him from the water, but Gnarly Eric started humping a polar bear.

Next, Gnarly Eric tried starting another Holy War between Texans, God's Chosen People (see Texans Make Better God Botherers) and those no good, low down, Pagan, Satan worshiping, nappy headed hos in Alaska.

Cal-el tried to ease his mind a bit by offering to have a beer with him, but Gnarly Eric couldn't handle even one Texas beer. Seeing how distressed his co-worker at The Spoof was, Jalepenoman did the Christian thing and gave Gnarly Eric a jalepeno to try to thaw out his brain, but it burned off Eric's tongue. Jalepenoman and Cal-el tried to witness to Gnarly Eric to save his worthless, wolf-lovin', bear humpin', flower pickin' soul, but he responded by turning his head 360 degrees and spouting, "Your mother sucks c*cks in hell." Gnarly Eric then spouted, "Love, Hope, Peace, Buddha, Allah, Roy Keane, The Queen Mudder, Hybrid cars, The fact Americans are limited to voting Texans in to office for only eight years, Chester, Ole Gunnar Solskaer, Shark nets, Electricity, Charles Darwen, John Logie Baird, Antilock brakes, Insulin, Shatterproof windows, Charities that help the poor, destitute, and generally f**king abandonded and left to rot by the Lord Jesus Christ."


TheSpoof.com writer Fergus McCarthy, added fuel to the fire with some some particularly provocative remarks, such as, "Gadzooks! You'd think sum'un 'ad gone 'un pissed on their saintly friggin' Jaysus, wudn't ye? McCarthy claims to be a 'fallen ex-alter boy o' the Catlicks fait'', but swears he was never molested by a priest as a child, which ought to qualify as something of a miracle in and of itself. (See Christians on the Warpath) Fergus then added, "Love, Hope, Peace, Buddha, Allah, Roy Keane, The Queen Mudder, Hybrid cars, The fact Americans are limited to voting Texans in to office for only eight years, Chester, Ole Gunnar Solskaer, Shark nets, Electricity, Charles Darwen, John Logie Baird, Antilock brakes, Insulin, Shatterproof windows, Charities that help the poor, destitute, and generally f**king abandonded and left to rot by the Lord Jesus Christ."

Queen "Male God my ass" Mudder rushed to Gnarly Eric's side and started doing incantations, calling for the Mother God to heal Gnarly Eric, but Mother God wasn't home.

No word yet as to whether Gnarly Eric will be flown to the Fortress of Solitude to help him recover.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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