Written by Doug Burrell
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Monday, 23 April 2007

Here now, is my autobiography, as told by me, to me.

Chapter 1

Being Birthed

Used to be I wasn't always was. Before I was was, I wasn't. That is until my momma made me was when she birthed me. I reckon' I've been was for 33 years now.

I was born in a very famous city called Baltimore. It's in Maryland, which, I suppose, was named after some lady named Mary. (But, I'm not certain about that.) I had a very nice childhood. I had an older brother and sister to play with and I was very much loved, too. My momma told me that though she didn't plan on me, she reckoned that as far as mistakes went, she could've done worse than me. She's real sweet like that.

I was pretty, too. My grandma said I had a face that would stop traffic. Now, I don't mean to brag, but don't you suppose that one would have to have a handsome head in order to stop moving cars passing by on the street?

My fondest memory growing up in Baltimore was getting an ice-cream from the ice-cream truck everyday. When I heard the truck coming, I'd go inside and get momma and she'd tell me to stay inside and don't come out for two minutes. I don't know how she managed to get all that free ice-cream, but she always came back inside and brushed her teeth before she ate hers. That ice-cream man was an odd sort of fella. He told me once that my momma could stuff a whole popsicle down her throat. He seemed to be right happy about it for some reason. She would never show me how she did it, though.

We stayed in Baltimore until I was seven, at which time we moved to North Carolina and my whole world changed.

Chapter 2

My Schoolin'

The town we moved to was called Whiteville. Contraire to what my momma believed, it was not called such because it was a village of white people. In fact, it was inhabited by folks of all colors. And, it wasn't so much a village as it was a small town. To this day, I don't know why it's called that.

I started school when I was in Whitville. I later found out that most kids start kindergarten when they're five, but momma thought I should wait until I was seven on account that she needed someone around the house to wake her up when The Price is Right came on. It didn't matter, though. As it happened, school was easy for me. I would go each day and sit down in a chair and wait for three o'clock to come. Then I'd go home. It wasn't until I was in second grade that I learned the building I went to each day was an abandoned DMV office. The school was a block away. I always wondered why I was the only kid in class. I figured it was because I was in one of those accelerated classes or something. I did manage to keep a sold C average while I was there, though.

When I did finally start going to class with the other children, I became very popular. Once, in fifth grade, I ran for class president. I lost, but it was close. I was only 256 votes shy of winning the election. Some of the students wondered how that could happen since there were only 220 students in our class, but I heard that the teachers and the school board all voted too just to make sure "something bad didn't happen." I never knew what that bad thing could've been, though. I think the electronic voting machines might have had something to do with it.

I was also an outstanding athlete. While the other kids were playing, I'd be "out standing" on the sidelines. Hence the term, "outstanding athlete." Momma always thought that was funny for some reason.

Finally, I graduated. Not officially, but the principal said if I stayed any longer, he'd have to put me on the payroll, so he went ahead and gave me a diploma and told me to run far away.

After graduation, I decided to start my career.

Chapter 3

The Army Years

Upon graduating, I went directly to the local army recruiter's office and signed up for service. My brother was a soldier and he was off fighting in foreign wars like John Wayne and I wanted to be just like him. The recruiter had a difficult time getting me in, but he finally hired someone to take this test, I think it was called the ASVAB, for me and everything was fine. In fact, the fella who took the test was much smarter than anyone knew and he scored a perfect score. A general came to see me and he told me that I would be sent off to officer's candidate school where I would learn to lead men into war. This sounded fine to me so I agreed to go.

I had many great adventures in the army, most of which led to new regulations being written. I've written about one of my experiences on this site. If you'd like to see it, click here. It scarred me pretty bad, so when my enlistment was over, I decided to leave the army and start a new life.

Chapter 4

I Take a Wife

When I returned to civilian life, I took a job at a local grocery store. It was there that I met my future wife. Her name was Misti and she was beautiful. The first time I saw her, I asked her out on a date and she said yes! Well, I think she said yes. It was hard to tell on account that she couldn't actually talk. She grunted something, though, and she appeared to be smiling and drooling while she was grunting, so I took that as a yes. We dated for some time and we got along great. I thought she was wonderful and she thought I was...her dog. Not all of the time, but sometimes. I guess she'd hear the name "Doug" and mistake it for dog. Not that she could hear or anything. But, she did think I was good-looking so I overlooked the dog thing. Well, she couldn't actually see, but she'd spend a lot of time feeling the contours of my facial features and she seemed to think that if she good see, she'd be right pleased with my appearance.

Things went well for a good while and I finally asked her to marry me. She grunted twice (which meant yes) and we eloped. Them was the happiest hours of my life. It was, however, quickly annulled. Something about her being "special" and not being able to make those kind of decisions on her own. Least that's what her parents told me. I was heartbroken, but I knew I had to move on.

Chapter 5

All Growed Up

At this point in my life, I'm still recovering from my divorce (12 years now) and trying to piece my life back together. I'm still at the grocery store, but I'm head bagger now. The manager said I might even get a spot on the payroll soon if I kept up the hard work.

Things aren't always easy for me, but I try not to worry about it too much. Momma says that the only other person she knows like me is now the president. So, who knows? I might decide to run one day. In the meantime, I'll reckon' I'll stay here in Whiteville and wait for the next chapter of my life. And, I'm gonna make sure those electronic voting machines are all working right.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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