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image for Tour de France: Live commentary Two wheels good. Lance Bent is enjoying the Tour de Mexico this year.

Barry Testes and Gary Ovum commentate on this year's Tour de France.

Barry: Hello readers, you join us for our live blogging of the Tour de France, which this year takes place entirely within Yorkshire.

Gary: That's right, Barry. It's a real publicity boost for the northern county. Nigel Farage would have us withdraw from the Tour, but I'm glad we've stayed in.

Barry: It certainly has been good for the area. Perhaps they could move the Tour here permanently.

Gary: Don't be ridiculous. The EU wouldn't allow it.

Barry: Perhaps not. In the lead now is Belgian cyclist Marcel Generic, he's one of the favourites to win.

Gary: He's certainly pedalling away furiously.

Barry: We have to remember that many of these cyclists haven't been gelded yet, so they're likely to be on heat and they can be unpredictable.

Gary: Here comes France's Jean-Pierre Frenchman, but no, he's gone for a milking break.

Barry: Of course, they have to be milked regularly or their teats will chafe.

Gary: Yes, one of the perils of professional cycling.

Barry: I'm sure Frenchman will fetch a good price when he's sent out to stud later this year.

Gary: I can't say I don't envy him.

Barry: I don't think they'd be breeding you, Gary. You have the leg muscles of a chicken.

Gary: I can't deny that.

Barry: And here comes the Italian Marco Tagliatelli. He was disqualified last year for excessive use of the whip.

Gary: Let's not forget these bikes have rights too. The whip should only be used sparingly.

Barry: One positive is that there has been no sign of cheating this year. All these bikes have been checked for hidden motor engines to avoid the embarrassment of recent years.

Gary: I'm sure we'll all remember Lance Bent, who of course won this race many years in a row on his motorised tricycle.

Barry: Shameful times.

Gary: But here we are, enjoying the Yorkshire dales. And oh my word, what is that?

Barry: That looks like that actor from Last of the Summer Wine.

Gary: Yes Barry, and he's just overtaken Marcel Generic in a bathtub.

Barry: I'm not sure that's allowed by the rules. But the bathtub does appear to be powered by gravity.

Gary: He'll have trouble getting up the next hill then.

Barry: Valiant effort from the British team there. I'm afraid they won't be winning it this year, yet again.


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