Written by Gabrielle Birchak
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Thursday, 29 March 2007

In case you have been in a remote cave picking at a pimple on your butt for the last six months, then you missed out on the most important media alert since Al Franken announced his senatorial run: Britney Spears is bald (oh and tattooed)! It is the end of the pop princess, as we know her. Clearly, she is sticking it to "the man's" woman and saying, "Hair, I've had enough!" What balls, what cojones, what bravery!

C'mon ladies, admit it, there are days when you want to shave it all off. Of course, it is usually on those days when you are running late for work. You've blow dried your bangs a million times, but you've got that one piece that still flips straight out, insisting that you look like a creature from Narnia. You know it is really bad when you hear "check out the avenging unicorn in collections" whispered around the water cooler. You hear the snickers and the chuckles, so you sulk behind your desk muttering, "I'm going to shave it off."

But, you don't.

Then you have those times when your hair gets to "that length" and it is the primary obsession of your boyfriend. You are trying to have a nice romantic evening watching American Idol (it doesn't get any more romantic than Larry, Curly and Mr. Cranky) and all your significant other can say is, "I love your hair. You should dye it blonde." Then he runs his strong fingers through your hair. Yeah, it feels good. Until he hits a knot and yanks out a chunk of hair. Of course, that doesn't stop him. He tries it again. There goes another chunk of hair. You tell him to forget it. While Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell are busy making googly eyes at each other, you wander off to comb out the tangles. After you have filled your trashcan with enough hair to make a small dog, you realize you missed AI's denigration for the week. You think to yourself, "I'm going to shave it off."

But, you don't.

My favorite bad hair days are those days when it is so windy that you can see the neighbor's dog hovering around the neighborhood. On these days, you actually have time to fix your hair. You have finished your make-up and it is perfect! You are a pop princess - sans the attitude. (Remember, no attitude, because no one ever got a merit raise impressing the boss while dancing around singing, "Oops I did it again" - unless you are a Mark Foley intern.) Yes, pop princess, sans the attitude, you go! You step out of your car, and BLAM, you have hair all over your face. You brush it away, while it glides across your perfect lipstick job, smearing red lipstick all over your cheeks. Of course, you don't notice it until AFTER a conference meeting, when your secretary asks, "Are you bleeding?" You rush to a mirror and you are shocked at the image before you. Instead of looking like the go-getting professional that you are, you look like a back-up singer for KISS. You think to yourself, "I'm going to shave it off."

But, you don't.

Yes, hair can suck for us women, on so many different levels. The long locks dictate that we are beautiful. The magazines and advertisements say so, so it must be true. If it is not long, then, well, it is just frumpy. This is what many men say, so that must be true as well. Oh, let us not forget, it must be blonde, because, well, blondes have more fun. Marilyn Monroe sang it, so it must be true.

So, if we conform to the long, blonde or highlighted locks, does that make us sane and strong? Likewise, if we shave our heads, does that make us weak and insane? I say no. Rather, shaving our heads indicates our strength and our inner fortitude. Come on, ladies, it takes forte to say, "I won't conform! No, I'd rather look like a man because I'm an original woman of character."

So, let's all shave our heads! People may think us peculiar. But, we know the simple of truth of it - we're tangle free!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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