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Tuesday, 22 April 2014

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The United States needs action. We need something that all people can get behind and that will unite us. Dissension and laziness is getting us nowhere. Something like a war would kick-start us in the right direction. Think of our economy during and after the earlier World Wars. However, war itself is ugly and killing is frowned upon by basically everybody in the world. We don't actually want to kill anybody, just unite our own people. The big question is, how?

Canada. That is the answer to all of the United States' problems. There are so many traits that Canada has that we appreciate that annexation of Canada is the only natural choice. Canada is big. The US likes big: big food, big people, big armies, big debts, and a big country. Based on that alone the US and Canada are a perfect match. They fit together almost like they share 3,987 miles of border. Also, Canadian people are known for being kind and polite, which means that we shouldn't have trouble stomping all over them and enforcing our will.

Canada has too much oil for it's own good. It's ridiculous to think that little electric car companies will ever actually innovate and change the entire transportation system of the US. Gas is the most cost-effective, cheap, and environmentally conscious way for our citizens to move around the country and it's not going to change anytime soon. Oil is scarce, though. Annexing Canada is the only logical and fiscally responsible way to deal with this impending problem. Rather than pay them for oil like we pay the Middle East and other OPEC countries, we can privatize the oil industry of Canada and make a few companies unbelievably rich instead. If we Americans are going to pay, we should keep it domestic and be as isolationist as we can.

Speaking of pollution, Canada is too pure. Millions of acres of untouched land are in that great region, and the United States will remedy that, just as we have with our own land. Also, Canada's cities currently contain some of the cleanest air anywhere, but we can change that soon enough. If we try hard enough, maybe someday we can have air that is as bad as Beijing, China, where you can't see skyscrapers because of the smog. They are inspiration to industrial nations everywhere.

Staying in the city, there is one Canadian politician that will be loved by the American media and people. Everybody say it with me: "Rob Ford!" Rob Ford is the mayor of Toronto, and while mayor may not seem like the most prestigious of positions, he has made the most of his opportunities while in office. Most widely known are his affinity for crack cocaine, marijuana, alcohol, and wild public relations. The American media would eat this up if he were in our country. TMZ would finally have the potential to be interesting for the first time in history and imagine the reality TV options! The Real Mayors of Ontario, Extreme Makeover: Mayor Edition, and Mayor Swap all have potential for countless episodes of hilarity.

If Americans love anything, it is celebrities, and Canada has supplied with some great ones. Well-loved, household staples such as Celine Dion, Nickelback, and Justin Bieber are all from Canada! That's right, we have Canada to thank for hits such as "Baby" and "Boyfriend". It's really too bad that it has produced musicians like Neil Young and Michael Bublé as well, since they don't have close to as much talent as the first three.

Alaska is one of the most longsuffering states in America. Since its founding, Alaska has been secluded from the "lower 48" and is more of a vacation destination than a state. It is the butt of many jokes, and we need to respect it. Therefore, we should bridge the gap that has been in place for the 55 years that it has been a state. Annexing Canada is the natural step for this to happen, as British Columbia is the land bridge between Washington and Alaska. Alaska has been lonely for too long, and we need to change that.

Everyone loves the British royalty. They are the media's darlings, and people all over the world love to watch every important moment in their lives. With that said, we don't want to go out of our way to distress them, but it sure would fill the tabloids! Annexing Canada might put us at odds with Queen Elizabeth and the British government, since she's technically the queen over Canada, but that's nothing to worry about. It's like, "Hey, free country! We just doubled the size of our nation and no one in the world is going to do anything about it." We've dealt with Britain before, and now that we'll have Canada's armed forces to join with our own…well, our army won't have changed size at all. That's not an issue, though! With our country spending over $680 billion dollars per year on our military, we should have no issue annexing Canada.

Annexation is what all the cool nations are doing right now, and we need to be like them. Vladimir Putin in the past week annexed Crimea, and that's practically the same as the United States taking over Canada. The annexation of Canada is the natural next step for the United States to take. The benefits to including it in our great nation are many, and it will be a great asset for the glorious states of America.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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