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Sunday, 23 March 2014

image for President on Putin: Obama during one of his hours-long conversations with Russian President Vladimir Putin

Following is a transcript of U.S. President Barack Obama's press conference today on the Russian occupation of Crimea and other topics.

Q: Mr. President, will the United States impose additional sanctions on Russia even if Europe doesn't follow suit?

President: My press secretary Jay Carney told me to say, 'I don't answer hypotheticals.'

Q: What do you say to critics who say your post-Iraq, soon-to-be-post-Afghanistan foreign policy is emboldening rivals like China and Russia?

President: I don't answer hypotheticals.

Q: That wasn't a hypothetical, because the critics have already said that.

President: Whatever.

Q: You spoke with President Putin for 90 minutes. Did you make any progress resolving the crisis?

President: (under his breath) Worse than talking to Karzai.

Q: What?

President: Kerry told me to tell you, "It was a frank and constructive dialog."

Q: What does that mean?

President: It means we had words.

Q: What kind of words did you have? Good words, or bad words?

President: I said this is a BFD, KGB. Or maybe Biden said that.

Q: That took 90 minutes?

President: Then I said I'd whoop his ass.

Q: How did Putin respond?

President: He started speaking Russian. That Putin is a talker.

Q: What was the translation?

President: The gist of it was 'Up yours,' but he also said, 'How would you like it if I sent tanks all the way into Poland like the good old days?' I said, 'Well, there you go again.' Then I said, 'I don't answer hypotheticals.'

Q: Is it true the administration tried to rig the 2009 Afghan elections in a failed bid to get rid of Karzai?

President: (under his breath) Almost had the sucker too. Shoulda sent Daley 'stead a Holbrooke and Eikenberry.

Q: What?

President: Are you asking me if, after spending hundreds of billions of dollars and sacrificing thousands of American lives to bring democracy to another country, would I then subvert that democracy to have some American puppet 'elected' just so we could indefinitely occupy that country and afflict its citizens with drone strikes and night raids?

Q: Yes.

President: I don't answer hypotheticals.

Q: Would the United States withdraw all troops from Afghanistan even if it meant the Taliban were going to take over?

President: Hagel told me to tell you, 'I don't answer hypotheticals.' But in this case, yes, we're out of there faster than Biden in the 2016 primaries. Vamanos. Exeunt. See ya later. Buh bye. Dasvidaniya, muchachos.

Q: Can the NSA tell from webcam surveillance who Francois Hollande's favorite mistress is?

President: If I told you, I'd have to kill you. Or you could run to Russia. Thank you.

(Walks away from podium)

Q: Mr. President! …

Q: Mr. President! …

Q: Mr. President, would you really exile the White House Press Corps to Russia!?

President (exiting the room): There is a White House over there. But I don't answer hypotheticals.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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