Written by Matt Birkenhauer
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Saturday, 22 March 2014

image for Why I Will Not Go See the New Blockbuster Movie Noah

By the Atheist Curmudgeon

Like many who grew up in this Christian nation, I read the story of Noah's Ark in Genesis 6-9 as a kid. Then later, as an adult who could tell the difference between fairytales and reality, I read it again. Unlike parts of the Bible (like Ecclesiastes) which I've returned to more than once for their beauty and wisdom, the story of Noah's Ark is one I rarely go back to.

It's a perplexing story about a Divine Being who, having lovingly created a race of beings whom He has endowed with free will, then decides to drown them all for exercising this gift of free will He so generously gave them. (This he does on a whim; God makes quite a few decisions on a whim in the Old Testament, boasting, more than once, that he is an "angry God.")

And this Psychopath doesn't just kill His creatures who misused free will--He kills everyone else, too: children and their pets, the disabled, pregnant women (God, in fact, invented the saline or instillation abortion technique long before the twentieth century, dispensing with the needle and using the ocean instead), old people, and--of course!--people of other faiths (He always hated them with a passion).

How anyone could derive from this story the idea that this God was a "loving father" is just beyond me. Imagine, in the twenty-first century, a father of five. The two oldest of his children have misbehaved, so he takes them out to the built-in pool in back and drowns them in front of the other three children and his wife; and then turns to them, loving father that he is, and says, "Look, I'll make a deal with the three of you who are still alive. Never again will I curse the ground because your older brother and sister misbehaved, even though every inclination of your heart is despicable from childhood. And never again will I destroy all living creatures, as I have done. Though I do reserve the right to selectively employ infanticide and firebombing when necessary, mostly for political or military purposes, but you needn't worry about that now."

This is not how a loving and kind father behaves. I know this because, like quite a few of you, I had such a father. He could be strict sometimes, but he never killed any of my nine brothers and sisters to teach the rest of us a lesson. Had any father behaved in such a way when I was growing up, he would have been charged with filicide.

As a moral person, I cannot fathom why anyone would want to see a movie about a Moral Reprobate who nearly drowns the known world, and then, belatedly, apologizes for His misdeed. But then I'm Pro-Life.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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