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Tuesday, 18 March 2014

Apple, the tech innovator responsible for the iPhone, iPad, and iTunes, is raising the bar once again. Earlier today Apple spokesperson George Weller announced the release of the company's next big thing, iDrive, the groundbreaking app that is expected to wring the last few precious dollars from the tight fists of America's consumers.

"We're very excited about this product, which solves some fundamental problems for today's users of mobile technology," says Weller. "iPhone users pay through the nose as it is, so they deserve the full benefit of the powerful technology they've paid way too much money for. Every day, millions of American motorists miss out on high quality content on their mobile devices while performing mundane tasks like watching traffic signals, or having to look around to determine the relative positions of other motorists. This is crazy! These are exactly the sorts of things that iPhone equipped drivers pay gargantuan monthly fees to avoid worrying about! Enter iDrive."

So what exactly does it do? iDrive is a hardware-enhanced app (meaning that there are "optional" physical upgrades to be "purchased"), that puts on-road information right on your mobile device. Tired of looking up to see if the light is green? Keep watching Tosh.O on YouTube! iDrive places a tiny translucent stop light on-screen that is synced to your GPS and the real world traffic signals nearby. "iDrive is 97% accurate in relaying to users accurate traffic signal data," Weller says. "When the light turns green, you see it on your screen!" According to Apple developers, the average motorist will consume 17 more minutes of content per day with only the traffic signal functionality.

According to Weller though, the real magic happens with the optional hardware upgrades. "For a modest price, users can purchase a suite of cameras and proximity sensors to be installed on the vehicle that stream data in real time through our state of the art satellite system. Data from this system is overlaid on the primary content, you know, Facebook or whatever, allowing the driver to see what is happening around them without lifting their head, or even their eyes."

Not content just to revolutionize driving, Apple plans to follow up iDrive with iCycle and iWalk later this year, and are also developing a product tentatively named iGlasses. "iPhone5 users often complain that after looking at the big, hi-def Retina display on their phones, the "real" world looks washed out and dismal, or can even cause physical discomfort," says Weller. "With iGlasses the user can experience the crisp clarity of the Retina display beyond the confines of his or her device, should they need to look away from it for a moment. They will also be able to add or modify content in ways that have never before been possible. Unfortunate looking people will soon be a thing of the past. We're moving from prescription glasses to subscription glasses, although a lite version will be available with advertising to make it monetarily viable."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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