Written by Smart Blonde Bimbo
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Sunday, 22 December 2013

This is a list of the things we would like to hear from our president, but will likely never.

1. Honestly, I did not realize how in the sh** we were until I swore in--and the first thing I noticed was that my wife's rack and upper arms were more famous than my record. I mean, how screwed up was THAT?

2. And speaking of rack and arms, my definition of rack and arms at the time I took office was what was on the back of pickup trucks the world over--and it was something I thought needed to be legislated or ordered out of existence.

3. I always knew guns didn't kill people.

4. I know nothing about how to save money.

5. I know even less than nothing about the Fed.

6. I hate to tan.

7. I hate even more to wax.

8. My family was the blended Brady Bunch. We were a model UN. We even had the fights to prove it.

9. I love my daughters, but I'm still secretly hoping for a son.

10. I authorized and expanded the NSA because, face it--your lives are WAY more interesting than ours, and I have to keep hundreds of bored, immature fratboys busy.

Happy Holidays.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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