Written by Paxton Quigley
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Wednesday, 18 December 2013

image for Dogging: Britain's Dirty Secret. A Spoof Exclusive Paxton dons disguise for sex investigation

An undercover investigation by our correspondents Paxton Quigley and Ivana Orgasmovich. Paxton writes from Balham:

They say that only mugs volunteer and when the editor came into the newsroom looking for a volunteer for an undercover investigation suddenly everybody appeared to be extremely busy. I was the one who wasn't fast enough to come up with a plausible excuse for not undertaking the assignment so it was the next night just after midnight that I found myself wearing a false beard and walking across the common making my way to the darkened Tooting Bec Lido car park where I could just make out the occasional flash of a torch and a few shadowy figures in various compromising positions among the cars.

Yes, you have guessed by now, the editor had dragooned me into putting my life at risk in order to investigate that popular social phenomenon known as "dogging", or public sex with strangers. In need of assistance I had enlisted the support of the office junior, Ivana, who over the last few months had become a close friend and confidante and now my enquiries had led me to this rendezvous, wired for sound which Ivana was monitoring from safety of The Spoof surveillance van parked a few hundred yards away in Sainsbury's car park.

Gingerly and from a safe distance I peeked around a tree to check the lie of the land before telling Ivana that I was going in. My heart was in my mouth as I approached through the darkness trying to look as if this was something which I was accustomed to doing. As I neared I could see women of all shapes and sizes lying on car bonnets, legs in the air while men were taking it in turns to squire them. Some ladies were even on all fours and serving two at once. To me it was a vision of hell.

The ooohs! and aaahs! from both sexes were quite audible and I am sure I heard one lady say "Oh vicar, you do it so well", when I found myself accosted by a bare breasted hussy. Needless to say, I refused her advances and in the time honoured manner quickly made my excuses and left.

Ivana writes:

You bastard, Paxton, "office junior" am I? I bloody well studied journalism at Krakow University and I didn't fail GCSE English like some people I won't mention. I was quite surprised when Paxton asked me to work on this story with him, particularly as his wife had told him never to contact me again after she had caught him sexting me. Maybe he just likes to live dangerously or he's just plain stupid.

I think the best way to see how the events unfolded is for me to set down my transcript from the audio tape. It begins with Paxton telling me he is going in.

PQ: "OK Ivana, I'm going in. Wish me luck."
Faint noises of walking, followed by unidentified man's voice.
Man: "Oh! Oh! Oh! Hello Pax, is that you in a beard? What are you doing here? Does the wife know? Hehe! Meet erm, what's your name luv? Ooooh!"
PQ: "Oh hello Raj, no don't tell her, she'll be upset."
Raj: "Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! That's it, girl. Just like that. Okay Pax. Uuuurgh! Promise. Oweeee! Phew!"
Unidentified woman: "Hello, big boy, like what you see?"
PQ: "Phew! You're certainly, erm, something."
Woman: "Am I now? Let's see what you're really thinking. Mmmm, I think you like me."
PQ: "Please don't do that. Phew! Really, no, I'm a married man."
Woman: "Ooh! I think you're protesting too much. Oh, yes, I can see that you're liking me more and more."
PQ: "Ow! Not so rough, please stand up. No, don't bite it. Oh my God. Oh! Oh!"
Unidentified man: "What's up, mate? Ain't my wife good enough for you?"
PQ: "No, it's not, aargh, that, she's very, ooh, friendly, oh God."
Man: "Yeah, she is mate and you make sure you do a good job while I watch."
Woman: "Mmmm. This is a nice one. Just let me take it in...(stifled mumbling)...mmm, oh yes."
...gasping noises and heavy breathing...followed by a small male moan...
Woman: "Is that it? Already? Bloody hell, it was hardly worth my time."
PQ: "I'm really sorry but I'm new to this. I'm not really here for the sex and I didn't mean to so soon."
Man: "Call yourself a dogger? Bugger off home, you useless git. Thirty seconds? That must be a record."
Sounds of walking through rustling leaves.
PQ: "Ivana, did you get that? Can you please erase the last bit for me? I'd really like it if you would and I'll take you out to dinner."

So there you have it. It seems that dogging is spreading like a plague throughout the country and while some people are excited by the opportunity for illicit sex and adventure, some people just aren't up to it. No names.

From Balham in south London, I am Ivana Orgasmovich.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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