Written by Olive Pepper
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Wednesday, 4 December 2013

image for Don't Wear That Bow Tie; It's Gay

I know you think wearing a bow tie makes you look intellectual, but it doesn't. It makes you look gay and you're going to end up getting your jaw broken by some guy who thinks you're giving men a bad image. And you can forget about getting laid. Women say they like that look, but they don't. They're yanking your chain. What they really want is for a man to dress like a man and not pretend he's all sensitive and stuff. Save the bow tie for priests and, like, real gays, although they might be the same thing.

If you need to wear a suit, then wear a blue one with a red tie, or a blue tie. Don't wear a skinny tie or a fat tie; just wear a regular tie that does the job without making a big deal about it. We wore skinny ties in the 1960s and fat ones in the 1970s. Last time I checked, it was neither the 1960s nor the 1970s, so get yourself a regular tie and start acting like a man today.

Better yet, don't wear any tie at all. In case you haven't noticed, they're on their way out. Maybe they still wear them in Congress and in some bad-ass board rooms in New York City, but the writing's on the wall; when was the last time a guy needed a tie to show he can run a $10-billion-dollar technology company?

And that former president of Iran, whose name you can never pronounce without looking like you're faking it, he never wore a tie, and he made sure his ministers and stuff never wore a tie, although he's not a good example because he's a wuss and looks like he wouldn't know what hole to stick his ding dong into if he ever got alone with a woman---which I doubt he has.

So, forget him, but there's something to be said for going tieless, and I wouldn't be surprised if that's the way we go in a few years.

But until that happens, when you have to wear a tie, wear a frickin' tie and leave the bowties to homos and priests. You look like an idiot, women think you're fruity, and you're gonna get your jaw broken. So, take my advice and put that thing back in your closest and put your red tie on, or your blue tie, and get back into the hunt for chicks. Then, when they say they like your tie, they'll mean it.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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