Written by Matt Brown
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Wednesday, 20 November 2013

image for The life of a travelling salesman, or other similar jobs Customer 'Storage' for your worldly possessions

Have you ever wondered about life doing a job which you are currently not doing? Well today we explore such a farfetched possibility and investigate the life of a travelling salesman. If you already are a travelling salesman then please do not read any further. We are looking for the truth only. Also if you are not a man then please put those scowls away and rest assured that we are thinking of you.

Firstly what are the facts about a travelling salesman and why are there reasons for this job?

Two things mainly: first is the ability to travel distances of varying degrees, some large and some not at all large. If you don't like this idea then please do another job, perhaps similar. Bus driver, rickshaw driver, plane driver, truck driver, boat driver, train driver, horse driver or slave driver. However don't get the impression that this job is about the driving. Because the second point and as the name suggests, you must try and tempt members of the public into buying your products.

Yes, you need to sell things which people do not already have and it should be something which they can find a use for. Do not sell children, frigates. land, bars, poppies and cellophane. All of these things are in high abundance, there is not much use for them and they are in low demand due to current economic conditions. Some of them could also prove challenging to sell from a practical, logistical and legal standpoint. The traditional products of cleaning utensils, sugar, homeopathic medicines, knives and chocolate candy stopped being sold years ago and the industry has moved on.

So what about a day in the life? Always carry a copy of a riveting book, perhaps about the native bird species of Canada. As a general warning I advise you not to read death of a salesman as this will not look good on your C.V. If you cannot obtain a book then please write your own. You could take a pet with you, after all who can resist the soft, caring lowly singleton with a Great Dane, surely no one! Take a few bananas should you become distracted or bored during a sales pitch. As an aside Ambien might be helpful on particularly fruitless nights along with other sleep aides such as one pillow.

Now that those things have been addressed, one must ask, are you the type for this career? do you like travelling distance, do you like being in cars sitting down, does the feel of a wheel turn you on, are you forever playing with knobs and dials whilst being distracted by something more important, well then step into an office!

Now more about the selling. One must present themselves as businesslike, intelligent, trustworthy with a great charm and lovely smell. Fix those old broken teeth before you embark down the motorway, put down that bottle, no one wants to see that turn up at their door. At some point you may need to take notes. If you have forgotten to bring or have misplaced your designated notepad then you will have to use something just lying around, like an old tramp.

We must come to the crux of the job though now. How to obtain entry to your customer base. Dogs, fences, walls and even stout furrily hatted men in red could all be potential obstacles to your final goal. Also, is there anywhere to park, think about this carefully? Try not to park on a hill as these can be dangerous, especially in winter months when they can cause a tragedy if laced with ice.

But what does a public member such as me think of you, this is shirley the most important aspect of your potential career. My thoughts: Your job is infinitely important, who but a face of the company to hold my catalogue whilst I peruse the plant pot section. Well what life is that I hear you gasp? 'Competitive' pay rates otherwise known as 'incentivised smile points'. Inspiring and fashionable decals for your bumper and all the free weekends away in Devizes you can shake a stick at. That's what!

Well to prove the point of this article I measured salesman against levels of Satan worshipers of a local secret society and these results spoke volumes. Travelling salesman came out way on top in the happiness stakes and had a much more pleasurable skin complexion which is always endearing to housewives with sewing sets.

I hope you have weighed the facts up against each other after reading this article and now consider yourself more informed about the pros and cons of a travelling salesman. But don't take my word for it, go out an get them! I'm off for a quick plunge in the river.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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