Your fearless reporter has an exclusive today that will amaze many millions of people throughout the world.
I received a call from a caller who said Lord Dacre would like to meet me for an interview. Naturally I dropped the washing up and sped to the suggested rendez-vous.
The owner of the Daily Mali greeted me with a malt whisky which stimulated me. I began by asking why the Mali had decided to criticise the father of Ed Milliband.
'Tactics' was the enigmatic reply.
'But how does this help your cause?' I asked.
'I have decided that I should work for the election of a Labour Government with Ed Milliband as Prime Minister.'
I was astounded by this statement and asked whether this was not a change of direction for the Mali.
'I don't see why you should be surprised' said Dacre 'I have kept Milliband in the headlines for a week, just when the Tories wanted coverage for their Party Conference. By attacking him through his father Ed has got wide sympathy and his profile has improved enormously.'
I could see the logic of this but was puzzled why the Mali was changing direction.
'I have realised it was either Ed or revolution. The Tories were suggesting policies that could only result in revolution.'
'But, in that case' I demurred 'why give me this interview? Your secret plan will be revealed.'
'I picked you' he said 'because nobody will believe it!'