Continuing in our series of interviews to do with the "Camp Happy" regional talent show we've just had the pleasure of interviewing the camps owners Uncle Happy! We say pleasure but he arrived four days late, reeking of cheap gin and with what we assumed was a prostitute under his arm. It was unclear as to what the girls role in Uncle Happy's life was, it was either sex or to keep him upright. Probably it was in the girls interests to keep him upright so that he couldn't do the other thing.
Our interview only began after he demanded his fee (two packets of Smokey Bacon crisps and a return bus ticket.) and was allowed to read through the Racing Post. After circling a few "dead certs" he allowed us to start.
So Uncle Happy it's honour to be able to interview a man who's held in such high regard as yourself.
Uncle Happy: The pleasures all yours I can assure you. Dam and blast it why is it always engaged!
He raged as his phone made the busy tone. He was trying to place a bet on the 3:20 at Chepstow. We pressed on.
Uncle Happy you've run a holiday camp for the best part of thirty years. How has the day to day running of it changed over the years?
Uncle Happy: I don't know how do you expect me to remember what it was like thirty years ago? I can barely recall what I had for breakfast.
Ok. What about this years talent show, that's happening on the 6th of September?
Uncle Happy: Cornflakes.
Uncle Happy: Cornflakes. That's what I had for breakfast.
Washed down with a can of Special Brew?
Uncle Happy: What?
We watch as his almost closed eyes peer over the top of his hip flask as he takes another long pull. He whispers something to his escort, he slips her a handful of notes and she leaves.
We had your employees Carl and Andy (he visibly winces at the name Andy) in here the other day telling us about the upcoming talent show. Is there anything you would like to add to their account?
Uncle Happy: Whatever those two morons said and just disregard it. Those two wouldn't know what's going on if life came with a script. Were hosting our talent show in the wonderful space of the Freedom centre on Preston road, it's the building that all the smack heads use as shelter form the wind. It's going to be a rip-roaring ride of talented people doing talented things topped off by a series of celebrity impressions by myself. Which I for one cant wait for.
Would you like to show us one of the impressions now?
Uncle Happy: No.
With that he got up and left, coughing horrendously. He stopped to shout at a passing woman with a pushchair before disappearing into the off license across the road.
A most remarkable man.