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Monday, 5 August 2013

"I wish I was in Dixie." - Epitaph on Nicole Brown Simpson's headstone


Dixie or Dixieland (not to be mistaken for Disneyland) is an imaginary country celebrated in a number of popular songs and, as such, takes its place not so much among the nations of the earth as it does among other nations of the mind, in a mental atlas alongside Narnia, Middle Earth, Oz, La La Land, Never Never Land, and whatever planets O. J. Simpson, Iron Mike Tyson, Michael Moore, and Barbara Streisand live on these days.

A popular country, the main exports of which are cotton and a distinctive style of disposable paper cups, Dixie makes such a good impression on its visitors that they invariably wish they "were back in the land of cotton." Dixie is known for its jazz music and, despite the imaginary status of the nation, is considered the place of its origin. Since life in Dixie is slow and easy but not always practical or productive, the phrase "just whistling Dixie" has come to mean living a life of bliss and contentment that is, nevertheless, sometimes impractical.

Female residents of Dixie are known as "Dixie Chicks," and several of them have formed a country music group to criticize the president of the United States. Supermarkets in Dixie are known as Win Dixie because, according to the history of the nation, Dixie once fought a war against the United States, opening supermarkets to rally its citizens, figuring that Dixielanders would fight and die for fruits, vegetables, and other foods if such groceries were readily available for a reasonable price. The profits from the sale of such merchandise helped to finance the war, although, ultimately, Dixie lost, a fate that is recounted in another popular song, "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down."

Notwithstanding its fictional status, many famous inbred men and women claim to hail from Dixie, including:

  • Reese Witherspoon, aspiring alcoholic
  • Ashley Judd, porn star
  • Alyson Hannigan, founder of Lesbian Witches Are Not Bitches
  • Helen Keller, blind
  • William Faulkner, writer of erotic fiction depicting incestuous relationships
  • Elvis Presley, The Human Pelvis
  • Dolly Parton, spokeswoman for Bigger Breasts Mean Big Business
  • Jerry Lee Lewis, pedophile pianist
  • Jimmy Swaggart, pastor to prostitutes
  • Robert E. Lee, loser
  • Bill Clinton, Hillary's husband
  • Jimmy Carter, peanut farmer
  • Martin Luther King, Jr., deceased personality honored by more street names than anyone else anywhere
  • Davy Crockett, bar killer
  • Dan'l Boone, owner of Boone's Farm's fine wineries
  • Andy Griffith, survivor of Don's Knots.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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