Written by Matt Birkenhauer
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image for An Interview with the Rev. Simian J. Crumble

A lot of fuss, recently, has been raised about the liberal bias in our public school system. My acquaintance, the renowned conservative minister Simian J. Crumble, has been concerned about the liberal bias in education for decades, being one of the founding members of the right-leaning Accuracy in Academia (AIA) back in the mid 1980s. Now he told me he would like to see formed a sort of branch organization of AIA called Accuracy in Primary and Secondary Education (AIPSE).

He said there are too many pinko teachers in primary and secondary education, and they're tearing the moral fabric of our God-fearing nation apart.

Curious, I pursued the matter further, asking Rev. Sim (as he preferred I call him) what kinds of goals his proposed organization would try to accomplish. Rev. Sim warmed to this, saying AIPSE's essential goal was to buttress Capitalism and Christianity, but his strategy for buttressing the "two C's" (as he called them) would involve much more.

"We have a whole slew of goals, Matthew, but these are our basic ones: to put God back in the classroom; to prove that Intelligent Design has everything to do with faith-er, rather, science-and nothing to do with . . . uh . . . science-I mean, faith; to elect Glenn Beck president; to get Chuck Norris appointed Secretary of State; to create a caste system in the United States to sanctify the state of poverty; to end abortion and promote capital punishment; and lastly, to prove the Founding Fathers were all of 'em Bible-loving and constitutional fundamentalists like myself."

"That's quite an agenda you're setting for AIPSE, Rev. Sim. I'm only wondering how you plan to carry it out."

Rev. Sim answered me excitedly: "Well, I'm thinking of forming a sub-group called Parents Teachers Resource Center (PTRC), which will come up with a ratings system for teachers whereby they'll be rated liberal, neo-liberal, center, and politically correct. Those teachers falling into the first two categories will be censored; those falling into the 'center' category will be open to question, and those occupyin' the last category will be accepted without question."

"But how do you plan to monitor the teachers?" I persisted.

"With stickers, I suppose. We'll put them on their foreheads. We'll work out the details."

"No, Rev. Sim-I mean how to you plan to separate the right teachers from the wrong ones?"

"Oh, I see what you mean, yes. For that we'll form another subgroup-a kind of youth group-called Students Spying on Their Teachers (SSOTT). Also, we'll be reading textbooks and looking for words like 'secular,' 'humanism,' 'reproductive rights,' 'socialism,' 'LGBT,' 'Barack Obama,' 'evolution,' 'safety net,' 'feminism,' 'onanism,' and 'p. 666'-just to name a few."

"Monitoring textbooks, too, eh? I'll bet that will keep the members of PTRC pretty busy."

"You bet! But God knows, our members will have the time. Most of the members, to begin with, will come from my own flock. Right now most of them spend their time at work, in church, or playing video games."

"I just had an idea, Rev. Sim. Why doesn't AIPSE design a video game called 'Rapture,' in which all of the Saved battle all those liberals dammed to eternal perdition for the soul of the human race? That way you can pull today's youngsters out of the godless public school system and inculcate them with correct politico-Christian values, at a profit?"

At my suggestion, Rev. Sim's face changed expression to something between bafflement and enthusiasm. He sat across from me scratching his head, pondering this.


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