Written by Gee Pee
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Sunday, 30 June 2013

Having had the misfortune to have been named after both a French city and a hotel, heiress Paris Hilton "never had a chance," Freudian psychoanalyst Ima Shrink contends, explaining, "She lacks penis envy."

Be that as it may, many consider Hilton to be a "tremendous success," the heiress mom, Kathy Hilton, insists. "How many other young women without talent, looks, or brains have become the sensation that my Paris has become?"

Hilton's father, Richard Howard Hilton, agrees that his daughter has "done as well as may be expected," given her handicaps of having been born talentless, ugly, and brainless," conditions he blames on his "wife's side of the family."

In lieu of talent, looks, and brains, Hilton has relied upon being arrested and upon allegedly leaked sex tapes. She also sells cheap perfume that critics say "stinks to high heaven" and a line of fashion that "no one would be caught dead wearing." Nevertheless, sales of her products earn her $10 million a year, which her detractors say, "Show how many women there are with no taste."

Casting about for a term to describe the Hilton "brand" of "celebrity," reporters invented the portmanteau term "celebutante," meaning someone who is famous for being famous.

"That, in itself, is quite an achievement," her parents observe.

Hilton was raised as a Roman Catholic and still attends Mass faithfully, but, as she informed talk show host Larry King, she has no "favorite" Bible verse. When it comes to the Good Book, she says, "it's all good."

Expelled from high school for being "talentless, ugly, and brainless," she never returned, except to have her former classmates, one of whom turned out to be the talentless, ugly, and brainless future Lady Gaga. Instead, she became friends with fellow celebutantes Nicole Richie and Kim Kardashian, who were also (except for Kardashian's buttocks) talentless, ugly, and brainless.

Hilton tried her hand at acting, starring as It in a revival of The Addams Family television situation comedy that never aired. She also appeared as corpses in a number of horror films.

"She was so talentless, ugly, and brainless," said a producer, Wes Craven, who wishes to remain anonymous, that "we didn't even have to use makeup to make her look dead."

Craven believes that Hilton might have had a bright future ahead of her in horror movies a secret weapon against zombies.

"They feed off brains," he explained, "and since Paris doesn't have any, in attacking her, they would starve to death."

She began modeling as a child, for charity events, because no one would hire her. She appeared on Donald Trump's show, The Apprentice, but was fired for being talentless, ugly, and brainless. Then, she struck fool's gold by appearing with Richie in a "reality show," The Simpleton Life. "She was a natural," her co-star said. Shortly after the first episode of the show aired, Hilton released her infamous sex tape, claiming "someone somewhere leaked it."

Although talentless, ugly, and brainless, it was evident to all that Hilton could give not good, but great, head, and her sex tape helped her to get ahead.

Hilton considered "leaking" a second sex tape but realized that she had exhausted her entire repertoire of sexual acts in the first tape. Instead, she decided to seek publicity by getting arrested, and she was in and out of jail, once being arrested, jailed, freed, and rearrested within 24 hours, all for the same crime (impersonating a celebrity).

She decided, if she was going to have to go to jail, she might as well enjoy herself in the process. Her first arrest, consequently, was for driving while intoxicated. She had drunk a bottle of gin and a bottle of vermouth so that, when they mixed in her stomach, she would have drunk the world's largest martini.

The arrest led to twin parts in the motion picture Bottoms Up. One reviewer described her as "a hopeless twat." She was also arrested in Las Vegas, for carrying a controlled substance, which resulted in her receiving a casting couch call, but no role, in Sin City. Later, however, she appeared as a nude body double in the film Full-Frontal Body Wax, in which her face, armpits, chest, buttocks, back, and legs were "stripped of hair" and, in some cases, of skin.

She has since given music a try, with limited success, sold sunglasses, made derogatory remarks about gays, opened a Paris Hilton store in Bogota, Columbia, and served as a filler for several magazines that needed lists or other material to fill empty page space. Maxim magazine, for example, listed her as number one on its list of "Most Over-Exposed," and Men's Health listed her on its list of "Women Who May be Hazardous to Your Health."

Her filmography is extensive, although it consists primarily of cameo parts involving talentless, ugly, and brainless celebutantes, a role, critics contend, which was written expressly for her. She won the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actress of All Time for her appearances in Bottoms Up and The Simpleton Life: The Movie.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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