Written by Rob Barratt
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Tags: News, Poetry

Friday, 21 June 2013

image for The Ten O'Clock Fuckin' News The Ten O'Clock Fuckin' News

Some people these days seem to have great difficulty speaking without using the "f" word all the time. They seem to think it's cool or makes them look hard rather than it being a complete waste of the excellent English language but I've re-written the news so that one of them can be the BBC newscaster just for once.

Good fuckin' evening.This is the Ten o'clock fuckin' news
For folks who can't stop swearing or like being verbally abused

The poet laureate was murdered last night in Hyde fuckin' Park
The Police are looking for a fuckin' stick-thin man called John Cooper Clark

The Fuckin' Queen opened two new fuckin' stations
Prince fuckin' Philip insulted a group of Asians

The fuckin' EDL went on a violent spree
Throwing racial insults at the fuckin' BNP

They beat each other black and fuckin' blue
Fuckin' brilliant, fuckin' true

Fuck me, today the Prince of fuckin' Wales
Took Camilla to the fuckin' sales

She bought Sussex, Dorset and fuckin' Kent
And when her money was fuckin' spent

She sold fuckin' Cornwall to raise some cash
Charles came out in a fuckin' rash

There's been a fuckin' earthquake, Uzbekistan's been hit
But because they don't know where it is the Yanks don't give a shit

Paris Hilton's been fuckin' stolen
Justin Bieber's ankle is fuckin' swollen

Simon fuckin' Cowell has found a rising star
He just looked in the fuckin 'mirror and said "There you fuckin' are!"

There's been fuckin' bloodshed in the Middle East
Eric fuckin' Pickles is fuckin' clinically obese

Fuckin' UKIP have won the fuckin' election
Vladimir fuckin' Putin says he's got a permanent erection

The fuckin' bankers have nicked all the fuckin' money
Michael fuckin' MacIntyre isn't fuckin' funny

Donald fuckin' Trump has got a new fuckin' wig
The Top Gear presenters' penises aren't very fuckin' big

The Plain Fuckin' English Speaking Society
Have accused the fuckin' BBC of fuckin' impropriety

And finally, here's a funny little fuckin' story
Somebody's been bunging brown envelopes
to a fuckin' back-bench Tory

The weather tomorrow will be fuckin' first class
Now fuck off, good fuckin' night and kiss my fuckin' ass.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
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