Written by CaptainSausage
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Wednesday, 15 May 2013

image for It's Eurovision time again! Hitler failed to conquer Europe through war, but he may have succeeded if he had used Eurovision

This Saturday, it's everyone's favourite annual pan-European musical competition - the Eurovision song contest. For a few hours, bleary-eyed Britons will throw away their deeply ingrained xenophobia and enthusiastically embrace their fellow Europeans as their own.

Even Eurosceptic UKIP leader Nigel Farage is said to host an annual Eurovision party. He recently admitted that he has fished out his old school French dictionary and has been practising counting to twelve.

But it's not all about continental harmony. Where else can you see half-naked Romanian peasant girls, Swedish transsexuals and Latvian trolley dollies on one stage without scouring the darkest depths of the internet. It is a feast of soft-core pornography for a person of any orientation or bent.

It is also the contest that will decide what is the greatest European song of 2013. No doubt it will be sung in pubs and whistled on building sites from Newcastle to Nuremberg for months to come; so memorable will it be that it will only be dislodged by next year's even more impressive winner. Truly a feast for all the senses.

If only Europeans would enjoy it as much as sozzled Brits do. Every time I read a Spanish or German language newspaper, there are many articles that I can't understand at all. But in every word I can hear the venom that they have not only towards Britain, but for the Eurovision song contest itself.

Those dastardly foreigners criticise Britain for having a more highly developed music industry. They are jealous because Britain exports far more talent-show rejects from our own televised singing contests than they do. Not only that, but we refuse to even acknowledge the existence of European music - and why would we, for it is dreadful!

So, Europeans conspire among themselves to ensure that Britain will not be winning Eurovision this year or any year. That is despite the fact that our entry - Bonnie Tyler - is undoubtedly the greatest vocalist in the entire universe.

So this weekend, when you're watching Eurovision with the tissues out, ogling a Belarusian hooker who will probably be stoned to death when she doesn't win, spare a thought for those poor Europeans. Not only do they live in squalor, in a world devoid of superior British music, but they also insist on ruining the contest every year by not letting us win.

Perhaps it is time to withdraw from Eurovision.

This was a party political broadcast from the UK Eurovision Independence Party (UKEIP)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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