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Monday, 25 March 2013

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The Supreme Court will hear arguments for two potentially-landmark cases for gay marriage this week. Here's a look back at some of the pivotal decisions the Court has rendered on in its history.

1857: Perhaps the most criticized ruling of all-time, the court holds in Dred Scott v. Sandford that people of African descent are not actually human beings. Oddly, no black people were even involved in the lawsuit.

1896: Plessy v. Ferugson holds that "Separate and Unashamedly Unequal" facilities for whites and blacks do not violate the Constitution.

1919: The Court famously holds that "The most stringent protection of free speech would not protect a man in falsely shouting 'fire!' in a theatre." In the dissent, Justice Clarke repeatedly yells "Fire!" at the top of his lungs for five minutes.

1962: Teacher-directed prayer in public schools is ruled unconstitutional, which your grandmother swears is when it all started going downhill.

1966: Miranda v. Arizona forces police to inform suspects of their rights prior to questioning. A guy got off for kidnapping and rape because of it, but, hey, you gotta take the long view.

1974: U.S. v. Nixon rules that the President is not immune from prosecution in a criminal trial. Overturned by Gerald Ford one month later.

2000: Bush v. Gore forces the end of the Florida recount, effectively awarding the election to George W. Bush. Thankfully, the Bush presidency is a resounding success.

2003: The Court rules homosexual acts between consenting adults cannot be restricted by law. The right to murder Furries, however, is upheld.

2008: In D.C. v. Heller, the Court acknowledges the Framers always intended for the Second Amendment to allow the mentally ill to carry assault rifles in schools.

2012: The Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act is upheld on the grounds that the Court wishes to destroy America and replace the Constitution withe the Quran.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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