Written by ANGELA WRIGHT
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Monday, 11 February 2013

image for The Definitive Ten Point Guide To Stumbling Through Life Without Major Distress A post-modern kick-ass woman

1)Stop exercising it's making you ill. It gets in the way of drinking time, trash T.V. and arguing with your family. The lycra makes you look ridiculous. Elasticated waistbands aren't that bad.

2) Ditch the diet. For good. Your adult weight has gone from 120 to 160 pounds over the course of a year. Up and down like an out-of-control elevator. Accept that you're a fat bastard and get on with it.

3) Self-Help books are so last year. Buy one and you're the next victim of avaricious, second-rate authors. I know. I wrote one called Apprehend Your Inner Sanctum. It was pretentious crap.

4) Pack in the metaphysical questioning. Keep asking What's the meaning of life? and all you'll get is a big fat headache and a shedload of existential anxiety. Practise saying things like: God is a banana and There are billions and billions of stars.

5) Get the hell off Twitter and Facebook. Here's the thing. Social networking requires interacting with real people. Who gives a monkeys about who likes what? Please. Someone get me a drink.

6) Step away from Hello Magazine. Really. The 'celebrity lifestyle' is a big fat lie and you know it. Behind the fairytale wedding and dazzling home there's a nightmare scenario of repressed rage, alcoholism and flaky relationships.

7) Switch off Britain's Got Talent. It's been depressing you for years. The tuneless singing; the rubbish magic; the dancing ferrets. The wasted hours planning your act for next year's audition. Get over it. Embrace your unique homogeneity.

8) Get out your flares and floral shirts. Put them on now. Stop suppressing your inner hippie. Get in training for a few weekend festivals: camp in the garden and shit in the woods.

9) Lose your predictability. Get on a megabus once in a while without knowing where it's going. Why not go fruitarian on Mondays. Communicate through charades for a week. The instability may be scary, but it's strangely seductive at the same time.

10) Wear fancy dress at weekends. Simple, but profoundly effective. Dress without attention to style, taste or colour co-ordination. Trawl the charity shops for unique items to bemuse, challenge and alienate all your friends. Relish your own bizarre personality.

Follow these simple guidelines and within a month you'll have a renewed sense of confusion. Sorry, I mean clarity.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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