Written by Brett Taylor
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Sunday, 16 December 2012

image for Keanu Reeves Attacks Himself, Only Not Really Keanu reeves

This week news followers hungry for the latest in important world events were drawn to an eye-catching headline on the front page of the MSN news provider.

"Keanu attacks Reeves" the headline read. What did it mean? Had respected thespian Keanu Reeves gone off the deep end and attempted a terrible self-destruction? Had he cut off his own arm? Had the poor man finally done off the deep end for good? And how could we all help?

Turns out the story was about a lemur named Reeves that attacked a mail carrier named Reeves. The lady is okay and the lemur is being tested for rabies. The actor had no comment.

The article began with the claim, "If you ever wondered i(f) the cosmos has a sense of humor, the following story is definitive proof." The cosmos continued its jolly sense of fun that day with more bloody conflict in Syria, Egypt, Israel, etc.

Reporters are saying that the event, which occurred in rural Texas, is the greatest boon to their profession since the time a man named Hall slit the throat of a man named Oates. Noted one reporter, "My grandfather wrote for William Randolph Hearst. He covered the news when a baboon named Laurel raped a dog named Hardy, and this is bigger than that."

The story ended with a tired and somewhat out of date reference to the actor's "Bill and Ted" persona. Other internet versions of the story naturally did the same.

In other news, journalistic standards continued their inevitable slide into utter oblivion this week.

---Al Rehash, Secondhand News Reporter

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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