Written by Backandtotheleft
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Friday, 14 December 2012

A gang in America has been arrested after plotting to kidnap Justin Bieber and castrate him, thus saving the future world from thousands of "Bieber Baby's" polluting TV with endless reality shows about living in their dad's shadow.

Unfortunately the gang involved in the ambitious plot had the combined brain capacity of a bottle of mulled wine and were caught before they could even get in the same state as the "Biebster".

Back and to the Left News looks back fondly on other insane celebrity plots that we wish had been pulled off.

• Two men arrested in Florida after website blog discovered in which they detailed a plan to kidnap Jessica Alba before encasing her in jam. The men were arrested after a fight broke out because they couldn't agree on whether the jam they were going to use should be seedless or not.

• A scheme by pensioners in Sussex to shave Bradley Wiggins sideburns off was foiled by police after a dawn raid on a care home. A police spokesman said "We were dealing with a determined and ruthless bunch of cunts". Bradley was later knocked off his bike by the daughter of one of the gang who had attempted to follow through with the plan out of dedication to her mother.

• A sordid plot in which two Jimmy Savile impersonators were to blackmail Terry Nutkins over claims he had sex with a shark in a BBC dressing room back in the 1970's. The two men had no evidence but hoped the current climate around celebrities and their sexual escapades would convince Terry to pay up without questioning the allegation.

• A fourteen year old boy was detained after it came to light he had stolen a picture of Vanilla Ice and had planned to release a Voodoo curse upon him. Looking at Vanilla's career to date it might have actually been a step in the right direction for him.

• Ninety four Bulgarians were arrested after stealing some of the Queens Corgis for Christmas dinner.

So here's to the plotters, the mentally infirm, the deluded and the schizophrenic thanks for dreaming up theses mad plots to keep us entertained and celebrities on their toes. Please remember guy's you've got to keep trying because your only one security slip away from owning Mila Kunis's feet

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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