Written by CaptainSausage
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Tags: 2012, Dorking

Wednesday, 12 December 2012

image for Looking back on Dorking's 2012 Dorking's model marina also disappeared in 2012 after being swallowed up by a gateway to hell

Well, what a year it's been. Anyone who lives in Dorking will certainly remember 2012 as a glorious but also tragic year.

January brought snowstorms and blizzards, and the closure of Dorking old folk's home led to hordes of elderly "Eskimos" wandering around the town blocking road junctions. Who can forget the igloo on top of the town hall? Nobody knows where they caught that whale, but its blubber kept the town's residents warm and full for weeks.

In March there was the disastrous St Chegwin's Secondary School trip to Germany, where the entire third form went missing. Most have still not returned. However a couple of boys were found some weeks later scavenging for gateau in the Black Forest, where their feral grunts and dishevelled appearance led locals to believe they had been raised by wolves. They are now living in care homes in Baden-Württemberg, where social workers refuse to let them come back to Dorking.

During the summer, as the rest of the country basked in the joy of the Olympics, Dorking held its own sporting tournament - the Dorking Uphill Ski Marathon (DUSM), held in the now-destroyed Dorking indoor ski slope. Many competitors were disappointed that the slope was too shallow and held a sit-down protest in the middle of the arena, but that didn't stop faithful ski fans from completing the gruelling 1000 mile race. It was won by 47 year old Dorking resident Herbert "The Lemming" Herbertson. Tragically, Herbertson died 3 miles before the finish line, but stayed upright on his sticks long enough to cross it. The arena was demolished by bulldozers 10 minutes later, so that it could remain as a tomb in memory of his bravery, and to the memory of the protesters who were also buried alive inside.

Autumn brought big changes to Dorking, with the closure of the last restaurant - The Tubby Pig - which had passed its certification from the Food Standards Agency. Locals were reduced to buying rat kebabs, fried pigeon wings and "special meat" from the various vans which mysterious appeared around town. However, that didn't dampen the town's spirits, especially with the accidental leakage of benzedrine into the town's water supply. Due to these ongoing events, nobody in Dorking has frowned or passed a solid stool since September.

So, let's see what 2013 has to offer. I for one would not move from this town for anything (except perhaps a £100 offer to live somewhere else).

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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