Rolf's Christmas Animal Hospital Jamboree

The following is a transcript of a TV show which will be broadcast on BBC5 on Christmas Day, 2012.

Rolf Harris: G'day, and welcome to Rolf's Christmas Animal Hospital Jamboree! We're back at St Halibut's Veterinarian Hospital, spreading Christmas cheer to some poor little critters who are sad at having to spend the festive season all crook in bed.

We've got lots of special presents and Christmas fun. Santa might be popping in later. Stick around and have a really great Christmas with us. There's even a choir.

(Choir sing We Wish You A Merry Christmas)

Now, what could be more Christmassy than reindeer. And here, I can hardly believe it, we have this great reindeer who needs to see the doc today. Isn't he magnificent?

This poor little blighter has had a nasty fall and broken his leg. He's going to get all patched up by Doctor Bob, and hopefully he'll be up and running round by the end of the show. Let's have a chat with the owner, Sandra.

What's the name of this beautiful creature?

Sandra: He's called Adolph.

Rolf: What a super name for a reindeer!

Sandra: We have a reindeer farm nearby, and his brother is called Rudolph, so we thought it fit.

Rolf: Fantastic! And what do you do at your reindeer farm? Do you give rides to the kids and stuff?

Sandra: No, we raise them for their milk and for slaughter. Adolph here is a breeding male, which is why we're bothering to get him fixed.

Rolf: That's awesome! It sounds like you and your reindeer have a great old time on the farm.

Now we've got a surprise for Adolph. Here comes Santa with some presents for him.

Santa: Ho ho ho!

Rolf: Have a look at that. There's a fantastic roast dinner for Adolph to enjoy. There's turkey and stuffing and gravy and sprouts.

Here you go, Adolph. You have a nibble on that piece of turkey. He he! There's a hungry fella. He'd better clear that gravy off his chin before he goes in for his operation.

And there's presents too. Here's a pair of great socks he can wear, with little pictures of Santa on them. I think he's going to need a second pair though. He he!

That's not all. Santa's got him some furniture polish too, I guess that's for his sleigh.

Sandra: He doesn't pull a sleigh.

Rolf: He he! Fantastic! We'll be back later in the show to check on how Adolph's operation goes.

Now, next up we have a very special cute little ginger kitten called Tiddles. You're going to just love him.

There he is. What a cutie! He's been brought in by his owner Jack and he's going to be looked at by Doctor Vernon later on.

What's wrong with the little fella?

Jack: He's about six months old now, so he's going to have to get spayed.

Rolf: Ouch! What a way to spend your Christmas. He he! Well don't you worry, Tiddles, nobody needs their testicles at Christmas time anyway. Soon you'll be right as rain and running around after birds and enjoying Christmas like all the other cats. Isn't he adorable?

Here comes Santa, let's see what gifts he's brought. There's a whole stocking full of prezzies there. Let's have a look.

He's got plums, chestnuts, satsumas. I'm sure Tiddles will have a fantastic Christmas eating all them up.

What else has Santa got for him? Oh wow, a fabulous Sudoku puzzle book. That's fantastic!

Now we've got a special treat. Our choir is going to sing Tiddles a song. Ready, guys? Off you go.

(Choir sing Ding Dong Merrily On High)

Rolf: I hope that's pleased all you cat-lovers out there. But for you dog-lovers, we've got someone you're gonna love.

This is Steve, he's a golden labrador. Isn't he awesome? You can tell he's really looking forward to Christmas. He's got his blue paper hat on already. Steve's owner is here too, and he's also called Steve.

Does that ever get confusing?

Steve: No.

Rolf: He he! What is the little blighter in for?

Steve: He's suffering from an eating disorder, bulimia.

Rolf: Oh no, the poor little thing! Well we've got just the man who can cheer him up. I think you can guess who it is. Here's Santa.

Santa: Ho ho ho!

Rolf: Let's have a look in his sack. What have you got for Steve? Oh, well would you look at that? It's a Christmas pudding! And crackers. Can Steve pull a cracker?

You know it's really Christmas time when you start to pull crackers. I'll just put the end in his mouth. There you go Steve, you get a good grip of it and I'll pull.

On three. One. Two. Oh crikey! He's eating it. He he!

No, no, don't eat the cracker, Steve! Eat the Christmas pud instead. That's it. Isn't that much tastier than a piece of cardboard? You tuck in.

Is he choking? There aren't any pennies in this Christmas pudding are there? I think he's going to vomit. Oh, he has.

Well it's probably about time we left Steve to enjoy his Christmas presents in peace. He he! The little blighter's starting to lap up his own vomit.

Anyway, let's help cheer Steve up with a nice rousing Christmas carol. Here's our choir singing one of my all time favourites. Take it away.

(Choir sing Good King Wenceslas)

Rolf: What a great dog! Now our next little critter is not a family pet at all. This is Doctor Ho, who is our resident Vietnamese vet. He's going to tell us about an unusual patient who was brought in today.

Doctor Ho: That's right. Here he is, this badger was brought in by a couple who found him injured on the road.

Rolf: Does he have a name?

Doctor Ho: No.

Rolf: I think we should name him Badgey. That's a proper name for a badger.

Badgey looks in pretty bad shape. He's probably going to need his paw in a sling. What happened to him?

Doctor Ho: He was run over, but the couple who hit him were nice enough to bring him in.

Rolf: Jeez! Poor little blighter. Anyway, we've got just the thing to cheer him up. Here comes Santa again.

What have you got, Santa? Is it a 'sett' top box? He he!

Let's have a look. Oh, I don't believe it! He he! It's a Best of Rolf Harris CD. Badgey is going to love listening to that. That CD is available in all good music shops, only £5.99. He he!

What else is in Santa's sack? Oh gosh! It's a set of precision screwdrivers! What a great gift!

I'm sure Badgey will have a bonzer Christmas with all these presents.

We've got another special surprise for Badgey, for being such a brave little badger. Here you are. Some good old Christmas sherry! There's one glass for me and one for Badgey. Here you go, Badgey, you drink that up. Go on! Crikey, he must be thirsty! He he!

Tell you what. Let's get him into his paper hat. It's a bright yellow one. I'll just put that on him.

Ouch! He bit me.

Doctor Ho: Could you please leave him alone?

Rolf: We're only trying to spread some Christmas cheer.

Doctor Ho: He's a wild animal.

Rolf: I guess Badgey's not getting into the spirit of things. Let's just have the choir sing a song for him.

Doctor Ho: No, sorry, could you leave please? He's starting to get agitated, and we suspect he might have rabies. What on earth are you doing giving him alcohol?!

Rolf: Ok, let's move on.

Ouch, that bite really hurt. One of the perils of the job. He he! Oh, I need that sherry now.

Well that's almost all for today, but we've just got time to go and check on Adolph the reindeer.

Doctor Bob, how did it go?

Doctor Bob: Are you sure you want to do this on camera?

Rolf: Of course.

Doctor Bob: It's bad news I'm afraid. We couldn't fix the knee, so the only option was amputation. But unfortunately there was a mistake and my assistant amputated the wrong leg.

Rolf: Oops! He he! I guess we all make mistakes.

Doctor Bob: No, you don't understand. You see, a reindeer can just about manage with three legs, but without its front two legs it's completely useless. We're going to have to put him to sleep.

Rolf: Aw, I hope he has sweet dreams.

Doctor Bob: Er...yes, he will.

Rolf: Well, that's about it for today. So as Doctor Bob gives Adolph a nice dose of anaesthetic to send him to the land of nod, let's have our choir sing us out with one of my favourite carols.

Ouch! Adolph just kicked me. He must be having trouble dozing off. He he!

We hope you've enjoyed our Christmas Animal Hospital Jamboree as much as we have. From all of us here, we wish you and your pets a very happy Christmas.

G'day!

Come on Adolph! Wave goodbye.

(Choir sing Silent night)