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Wednesday, 28 November 2012

image for Kidney Transplant Leader Dies Early surgical equipment was crude

The Dr who performed the world's first successful organ transplant surgery in 1954 has died at his home, following a stroke. Before his death Back and to the Left News was able to attain a interview with the great Dr and now that he's dead he cant sue us for publishing it.

So Dr Murray it's a great honour to talk to one of the foremost pioneers in modern surgery-

The pleasure is all yours I can assure you.

You wont believe how many people say that to us. Now what made you get into surgery, were guessing you didn't just wake up one morning and think "hell yes I'd like to become a surgeon!"

That's exactly what happened. I had been out drinking the previous night and had ended up shitfaced in the gutter. Whilst lying there I noticed half a cigarette in an empty bottle of beer. Desperate for a nicotine influx I began work on opening the bottle up, after several hours I at last had the cigarette free! The patient died but I felt something great stir inside me. If it was that easy to remove something from a bottle, how easy would it be to remove something from a human. Their flesh is much easier to open.

Interesting. So what type of beer was it?

A Budweiser I believe.

With a brown bottle?

Yes.

And you could see half a cigarette in the brown bottle in the dark?

Well of course I could. What's your point?

Nothing, there's just something highly unbelievable about your story that's all. But we wont sit here in your own house and call you a complete and total liar, were not like that. So do you have any more bullshit stories? Maybe about when you first performed open heart surgery on the moon?

I'll ignore your sarcasm and put it down as good old British wit-

It's definitely sarcasm.

I first had the idea of organ transplants back in 1950 and I started practising on small woodland creatures to see if it was possible. I realise now the error of my ways. Although a vole's physiological make up is completely different from a humans it will still die if you take it's brain out.

Who'd a thunk it?

Are you taking this interview seriously? There are plenty out media outlets who are vying for my time and I made the consciences decision to allow you to conduct a interview with me. Now are you going to ask me some questions without ridiculing my answers?

Yes. Sorry. It's been a rough couple of days. We lost our daytime jobs, I didn't have any milk for my cornflakes this morning and I'm pretty sure next doors cat watched me while I shower. I know it's just a cat but I cant help but think it's getting some sort of sexual gratification out of it.

It's just a cat, your probably imagining things.

You haven't seen it's eyes. They know, it knows it's doing something wrong and there's nothing I can do about it. I haven't had a shower for six weeks-

I can tell.

There's no need for that. We've been using baby wipes on the sensitive areas but they can't do everything.

Moving on. I decided to stop my research on voles and move onto putting one humans organs inside another....why are you giggling?


Were not. Please continue.

I discovered if the organ was still in use by one human then...no really what's so funny?

You saying "putting one humans organs inside another" it's just something that we do a lot of.

So you will understand the need for rigidity, blood flows and arousal of veins?

Yes. Yes we understand about all those things...

Excellent. So when I decided to...oh hang on your making a dick joke aren't you? For fuc.....

And that's all we have time for Dr Murray thank you for your contribution to surgery. We would like to present you with this wooden trophy in the shape of a...piece of wood? No wait it's supposed to be a heart. There you go.

Thank you.

We hope you continue your good work of putting one humans organs inside another. We know we will.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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