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Wednesday, 14 November 2012

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Following President Obama's reelection, petitioners from 32 states have filed a lawsuit with the federal government to let their respective states secede from the Union. Let's take a look at the history of secession movements in the United States

1776: 13 Colonies of the British Empire unlawfully attempt to detach themselves from the crown and form a government under the preposterous idea of self-rule.

1787: 11 states opt out of the Articles of Confederation, noting that, "When government becomes destructive to…oh, who the hell are we kidding? The AOC sucks, that's why. Peace."

1828: South Carolina threatens to secede during the controversy over the Tariff of Abominations; naïvely chalked up by observers to youthful immaturity on the state's part.

1844: William Lloyd Garrison, a prominent abolitionist, calls for New England to secede from the Union so blacks can one day have a better chance of not being signed by the Red Sox.

1863: At the height of the Civil War, the western counties of Virginia vote to secede from the Confederacy and are admitted as a new state into the Union. Virginia, ironically, is less than supportive.

1979: Despite Tyler Moderow's claims that his bedroom was an independent and sovereign republic, the fourth-grader's parents still make him go to church.

1993: Vermont leaves the union for three weeks, bitterly coming back after nobody notices it had left.

2000: During the contested recount of the Presidential Election, Florida embarrassingly reveals it has been a Cuban protectorate for 15 years.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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