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Friday, 9 November 2012

Penis Envy

I entered an adult book store yesterday, by mistake, purely by mistake. But since I was already there I decided to take a look at the sex aids displayed in the counter that ran along the whole wall. It is my impression that these sex shops have taken marketing tips from the gun shops that, almost always, are located just across the street or even just next door.

So far as I can tell, the proprietors of gun shops and sex shops look and speak alike, and really don't like people coming off the streets to handle their wares. The only real difference I can see between sex shop owners and gun shop owners is that most of the sex shop owners do not pack penis-shaped vibrators in under-the-shoulder holsters. Gun shop owners inevitably pack handguns though.

Anyway, since I was already in the sex shop, I looked at all the stuff for sale in the glassed-in counters. There were creams of all descriptions, most of which were flavored (fruit flavors predominated), and dildoes-thousands of dildoes. I asked the shop owner who the hell bought all those dildoes. He told me "women buy them."

A very quick count told me that there were approximately 2000 more dildoes than there were women in the small town I live near. I pointed that fact out to the guy and he said:

"Lemme tell ya; I can't keep the damned things in stock. Most women don't buy just one; they buy them by the dozens. I have a whole wall around back there with nothing but alkaline batteries for the damned things."

I looked, and indeed, he had more batteries back there than all of the US FEMA disaster workers can field at any given time. In fact, this one sex shop could put an end to darkness in the storm-ravaged northern seaboard after Hurricane Sandy.

But I digress.

Next, I asked him what, other than length and thickness, and color, made one dildo different than another.

"Well," he said, all of them on this shelf (approximately 7220) vibrate. These over here; they change color and do shit I can't explain, but women love them. And this line right here; it's the absolute favorite right now. After the woman is through with it, it cleans the house and takes out the trash," he said.

I thought I could use a few myself (not in a sexual way), so I bought five of them, since I have so many female friends and Christmas is coming next month.

I left the sex shop with my purchases and also with a new feeling of male superiority. I have what every woman in the world does not have: a fully functioning penis (when I have pecker pills, that is).

It's all about penis envy. My high school psychology teacher was right. She was also a lesbian.

But I digress.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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