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Thursday, 11 October 2012

image for The Marchers. A tale of ordinary country folk. Nigel drives down to the lower field

Scene: A small farmhouse in Sussex. A man enters the kitchen.

"Beryl, old Mr Snoop has been arrested for stroking a badger in the lower field".

"Oh gosh, what are we to do about the fence?" replied Beryl.

"The fucker will have to do it when he is released".

"Language Nigel, we are being recorded by the BBC" advised Beryl.

"Sorry darling, it's just that I was hoping to go fishing this weekend".

"By why don't you dear" enquired Beryl.

"Oh my lord, the fence in the lower field dear" Nigel sighed.

"And I suppose I will have to cancel the dinner party".

Dramatic music: Cut to the local village pub.

"Evening Ethan, usual is it".

"Yes, I need to use your lavatory" answered Ethan.

"Never buys a drink, just uses the bog on his way home" explained Bob to his new barmaid.

"Has he got a problem" Penny asked.

"Yes" replied Bob "He never buys a drink".

"Ooh, is he an extra?"

"Extra, he costs me more money in water than he does in carpet wear" replied Bob.

Dramatic music: Cut to the police station.

"Now then Mr Snoop, what was you doing in the lower field with that there Badger?"

"It were not a badger, it were Mrs Snoop, who's hair had gone wrong" answered Snoop.

"Now then lad, let's not start telling fib's, you were caught by young constable Muggings".

"But he is blind, Sergeant Fossil" answered Snoop.

"That's as maybe my lad, but we at the BBC turn a blind eye to many things".

"Me and Misses Snoop was having a bit of lunch" Snoop explained.

"Then you are saying that we is wrong about your arrest"

"Yes, you have over looked that boss of mine, Nigel Seville" Snoop cried.

Dramatic Music: Cut to the local village shop.

"Do you want a bag for that?"

"No Misses Plimsoll, I can carry a tin of Salmon without assistance".

"Are you sure, we do have some bags".

"Please, if I want a bag, I will ask for one" said Lady Porter.

"Needed one when you killed your husband" Mrs Plimsoll advised.

"He fell in the Futtock Mangle, it was the only way to carry him out!" cried Lady Porter.

"And you were standing behind him".

"I was helping him to load the Futtock into the Mangle" answered Porter.

"But with that young Geoff from the village" Plimsoll sneered.

Dramatic Music: Title music: Close: Voice Over:

"Tomorrow, will Snoop get let off, has Mrs Plimsoll found a murderer and will the fence in the lower field be fixed by Nigel or Mr Snoop"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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