Written by CharlieBain
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Saturday, 29 September 2012

The death of the Pope is a tragic event. With satellite television, the news of their passing is immediately heard around the world. Back before television, the news was taken from town to town on horseback with some areas of the countryside not knowing their religious leader was dead. But by then they had already picked a new Pope so it wasn't such a big deal. Little is known about what goes on behind the ivory handled, jewel encrusted doors to the Vatican's inner sanctum, the room where cardinals go to decide on a new Pope. All we know is that when they come out, Catholicism has a fresh head honcho. Luckily, a cardinal, who wished to remain anonymous, has come forth with all the juicy details.
After the doors are closed and attendance has been taken:
"Cardinal Adiello?"
"Present."
"Cardinal Azzari?"
"Present."
"Cardinal Benedict?"
"Heil!"
The Archbishop opens with a prayer. The Cardinals all join hands and begin to sway from side to side, humming rhythmically. The prayer begins as follows:
"Daaaaayooo! Daaaayoo! Daylight come and me want gooo. Me say day, me say day, me say day, me say day, me say daaayooo! Daylight come and me wanna go hoooomme. Work all night and drink a rum!"
It is at this point the rest of the group joins in as the support chorus for the prayer.
"Daylight come and me wanna go home."
Archbishop: "Stack banana till the mornin' come!"
"Daylight come and me wanna go home."
"Come mister tally man tally me bananas"
"Daylight come and me wanna to go home."
"Come mister tally man tally me bananas"
"Daylight come and me wanna go home."
As a group they shout: "Six foot seven foot eight foot bunch!" The Cardinals all release hands and imitate the preceding line about how high that bunch might be.
The Cardinals by themselves again, arms around shoulders while swaying, "Daylight come and me wanna go home."
"A beautiful bunch of ripe banana!"
"Daylight come and me wanna go home."
"Hide the deadly black tarantula!" Releasing each other, all of the Cardinals do their best to mimic the ugliness of the tarantula.
"Daylight come and me wanna go home."
As a group again, "Six foot seven foot eight foot bunch!" It is at this line the entirety of the room drops to their backs and begins speaking in tongues. After the requisite "tongues" have been released, it is on to the next step of the ritual. They eat the Pope.
The recently deceased Pope is generally served al-dente and cooked to a juicy medium rare, just enough pink on the inside. It is quite the feast to behold. A common complaint is that the Pope can be a bit stringy, but at such an advanced age they're lucky to have any meat on the bones at all. It's rather hard to notice through all the cheese anyway. Once the old Pope has been picked clean and everyone who wanted a "Jesus gelato" has received one, the next step commences.
The group sits in rows in front of a large chalkboard with a very long list on it. This list is what the Papacy requires of the Pope. Among a few of the requirements are:
- Male
- Caucasian
- Catholic
- Fits in the hat
- Homosexuality
The Cardinal leading the ritual goes over the list and checks off other Cardinals that don't fit the criteria. They are not considered "Pope-y" enough. After all the Cardinals that don't qualify are accounted for, a bracket is set up in the style of a tournament. This leads us to the next step of the ritual.
A narrow platform is set above a gigantic, circular pit of fire. On either side of this pit stand two Cardinals, both vying for the regal position of Pope. The competitors don a red singlet with a white cross on the front and their last name on the back. They are armed with a single metal baton, approximately six feet in length, and must do battle above the pit. Cardinals are eliminated when one gives up or they are knocked off the platform in to the hellfire. Cardinals make for the best black smoke. This continues until there is only one, a champion.
The next step in the ritual is the right of the newly selected Pope to take a one day leave of absence, a Rumspringa of sorts, to get all the evil out. Some Popes decline and spend that time studying religious texts or nurturing their relationship with God, but most Popes go wild. Drinking of the sacramental wine, lewd behavior involving the opposite sex and joy are just a few of the activities partaken of during this day. At the end of that day, it is capped by the ceremonial orgy.
The entire clergy de-robe and, being that most of the members are geriatrics, the holy Viagra is dispersed. Many years ago, a progressive Pope asked what this had to do with God. The answer: "Hey! This only happens every forty years or so. We need this!" After the requisite power washing of the orgy arena and the defogging of the stained glass, the Cardinals re-robe and proceed to the next step.
The new Pope removes himself for as long as necessary and prays. He prays to God for guidance, strength and discipline. He prays that what he lacks as a man, God will make up for through him. It is a time of reflection and serious contemplation. When the new Pope feels he has made himself right with God, he rejoins the Cardinals and proceeds to the last step of the ritual.
The placing of the old Pope's hat/crown upon the new Pope's head, it is the culmination of the ceremony. The new Pope becomes just the Pope, pulling a new, more Catholic name from the Vatican's bingo cage, three pulls. Once the Pope is wearing the hat and has been given his Christian name, he is ready to face the public.
He steps out on to the Vatican's porch, high above the sinners and gives his first decree.
"Who da Pope?"
The crowd shouts back, "You da Pope!"
With a smile, "It's good to be the Pope."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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