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Friday, 7 September 2012

image for 5 Monsters You Want SEAL Team 666 to Take Down No monkeys were harmed in the making of this article

SEAL Team 666, according to the New York Times, is a "special-ops squad that fights demons, possessed humans, mass-murdering cults and evil in its most dark and ancient form." It's comprised of five specially-trained SEALs and a dog whose mission is to "protect America from supernatural attack," says author Weston Ochse. They receive their orders through the office of the Vice President, but what if the American people had a choice of which monsters they'd take down.

A recent survey provided the following monstrous opportunities, so we sent SEAL Team 666 in to bring them down. Here's what happened.

5. Chupacabra. This goat blood-sucking cryptid is the canine of the monster world. Whether it be the Hound of the Baskervilles or the Jersey Devil, this reptilian-mammal hybrid is the sort of beast shock collars were made for. Known for its impressive speed and strength, capturing one wouldn't be so easy. HALOing in to form a cordon, the SEALs give chase along the American border with Mexico. Using a move learned from afternoons with Scooby Doo and his crew and mornings with Gilligan, they manage to capture this beast by pretending not to be trying to capture the beast, making cryptozoological dog catchers out of our SEAL Team.

4. Elmo.
Yes, that red fuzzy midget of the monster universe is back with even more strident commands to be tickled. This heavily petted and fondled creature has commands that create the same uncontrollable manifestation of the need to touch it as a herd of tribbles. While the members of SEAL Team 666 can't keep their hands off this fluffy beast, it is the Belgian Malinois, Hoover, who snaps free the bug-eyed creature;s head, rendering it once again, a mere stuffed animal.

3. Cookie Monster. This ravenous blue monstrosity has been popping out of more trashcans than rats in New York City alleys. Demanding cookies from tourists from every country but Latvia, his endearing yet ruthless manipulation of the human spirit has caused families to go without food, bachelors to go without beer, and winos to lose their homes, all in an effort to feed this brute. In what initially seemed like a remarkably easy operation, SEAL Team 666 baked hash brownies and fed them to CM, leaving him humming Bob Marley songs. But a mere hour after the take down, CM returned more ravenous and monstrous than before, demanding cookie sandwiches filled with meat, cheese, peanut butter, pickles and crushed Fritos. In a daring midnight maneuver, CM was transported by C140 Starlifter to Battlecreek, Michigan, where he was last seen trying to eat the Keebler Elves.

2. Bigfoot. Camouflaged as tree sitters in the Oregon forests, the members of SEAL Team 666 only got fleeting glimpses of this creature. The closest they came was providing the new $300 plus Lebron X basketball shoe in size 32. The ruse almost worked, but as the big-footed beastie was trying on the shoe, he discovered it was a Chinese knock-off, purchased by the U.S. Government at a discount. After ramming the shoes up the back end of a Chevy pickup, Bigfoot was never seen again.

1. Teletubbies. It was a battle royal on the fields of Stonehenge as SEAL Team 666 met LaaLaa, Po, Dipsy, and Tinky-Winky, the most well-known members of the mythical species known as Teletubbies. At first things were going in the SEALs favor, as they laid down fields of fire sending hundreds of rounds into the red, purple, green and yellow beasts. But the rounds didn't seem to faze the TTs, who began to dance around NuuNuu, their anthropomorphic blue vacuum cleaner, which began to suck free the SEALs weapons. Soon even Hoover disappeared into crazily-cavorting blue machine. Then the TTs began to dance to a crazed mix of Ziggy Stardust, AC/DC, and Tears for Fears, sending the SEALs reeling as their inner ears expanded painfully. As a last resort, the team leader pulled free the only weapon they had left, the Spear of Destiny, taken from an exhibit at Disneyland. In a tactical rendition of the Hokey Pokey, alternating with his left and right feet into an imaginary circle, he was able to fool the Teletubbies. Amidst the fanfare of voice trumpets and psychedelic lighting, he managed to get close enough to skewer them, creating a shish kebob that tasted strangely of cheese whiz and cotton candy.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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