Written by tjmstroud
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Thursday, 23 August 2012

Dear Constituents

I have had a very busy week and it's all because I launched Kelpileaks.

The KelpiLeaks "Bullshit and Disinformation File" is clearly the most popular section and I already have such a fast growing network of volunteers feeding in 5 Star Bullshit that I was thinking of recalling Anthea (my PA) from her holiday in Faliraki (which is somewhere in Greece) to deal with the response.

You will recall that I was hoping to go to Greece myself before Parliament re-opens.

This was in order to continue my investigations into the Euro fiasco with special reference to the Greek crisis. I had forecast that Greece would go bankrupt on 20th August but I have just heard that they have been given a credit card to pay off the credit on the credit on their overdraft. So everything will now be fine and the urgency of my travel has now receded.

However I still intend to visit Greece as I've heard it may well harbor the ultimate solution to the Public Sector funding crisis that affects us all here.

Did you know that the Greeks aim to deal with their funding crisis through their education system? Faliraki University is where it has all started.

The UK Higher Education Authorities could learn a thing or two about how Faliraki University is now self-funded. I've always said that the Greeks are a clever bunch and this is just as well as they don't have much money left now. But Faliraki University funds itself through thousands of 18-24 year old students who arrive each summer to learn about law and finance.

I probably need to explain a little more about how the scheme operates.

You see, the Greeks are trying out new teaching methods called "teaching by making examples."

It is the same method that I remember being used on me during a chemistry lesson at school when I set fire to the chemistry teacher's white coat. I learned very quickly what behaving in an aggressive and antisocial manner meant by being caned by the headmaster. I have never burned another white coat with a Bunsen burner since.

In Faliraki the students know that if they fail to learn a lesson or do not behave in class that they will be required to stay behind for several months after their scheduled departure and pay an excess charge amounting to several thousand Euros depending on the severity of the mistake they made.

I understand that even if a student drops his or her shorts at night when the moon is shining as an act of defiance towards their teacher this can also lead to confiscation of living expenses and a high risk of being moved from their normal plush student accommodation to something they are more used to back in places like Basildon.

As a result, the Greek Police have also seen a funding opportunity here and our very own Essex Police force is so impressed by their initiatives that it has taken to sending police officers all the way to Faliraki to learn from their Greek counterparts and help out if there are any language barriers.

For instance, the Greek police were puzzled by students asking: "Gizza faaag!" only to learn that this meant, "Please may have a cigarette."

Another puzzlement was: "Weyzah faakin taann, ya zomby?" only to learn that this meant, "Would you please point me on the direction of the city centre, please, sir."

So, yes, in Faliraki we not only have good examples of EU member co-operation but an excellent venue for the advice I will be offering the Greeks on their future within the Euro zone - although by the time I get there it may be too late.

As you know I went to Barcelona earlier this year and am now a well-known expert on international trade and finance and so I've asked Anthea to stay on for a few more days to set up a small conference with some of my fellow Greek Members of Parliament with whom I will also commiserate. After all, they must be feeling rather sidelined at the moment being as their country is being run by Germany.

I've also asked Anthea to book me a flight out but to avoid Ryan Air as I've heard they don't have toilets. That is because that upstart Irish owner of their's claims to be doing his bit for Irish austerity.

Not only that but he might expect me to catch a jam-packed bus across the runway to the Club Class entrance of his tawdry looking 747. And you never know what other sort of riff-raff with their legs crossed I might have to sit next to once I'm on board.

Though, thinking about it, perhaps I can practice my English so that when I arrive and have my first encounter with an out of work Greek or a Greek Member of Parliament, I can say:

"Wossamatta, might, ya look a bit dan in the maff."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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