Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Wednesday, 22 August 2012

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Chad Ochocinco: Hey Evie are you there honey biscuit?
9:03 a.m.

Evelyn Lozada: Yeah I'm here, whatcha want fool?
9:06 a.m.

Chad Ochocinco: Baby, don't call me a fool. You know it hurts my feelings sugar lips.
9:09 a.m.

Evelyn Lozada: Don't you call me sugar lips you mean, hateful, head-butting chump.
9:13 a.m.

Chad Ochocinco: I'm sorry about dat babe. I lost my temper and I did not mean to head butt you like I did - and let me say dat I forgot dat I had my Miami Dolphins helmet on at the time.
9:17 a.m.

Evelyn Lozada: Oh you forgot did you. Well you sure didn't forget ta buy the case of Glow-In-The-Dark Condoms did you Mr. Romeo?
9:22 a.m.

Chad Ochocinco: Now sweet muffin, you know dat I told ya dat I bought those condoms ta give ta my good pal Terrell Owens.
9:27 a.m.

Evelyn Lozada: Wassamatter can't little old Terrell buy his own freakin condoms or what?
9:34 a.m.

Chad Ochocinco: Now snugglebunny, you know dat deep down inside Terrell is one shy dude.
9:39 a.m.

Evelyn Lozada: Shy my aspen tree.
9:43 a.m.

Chad Ochocinco: Look lovey dovey. You have no idea how bad I feel. In just da span of 36 hours, I lost my wife, my NFL job, and my brand new, unaired reality show. I want ya back puddin' pop. I give ya my word dat I will never head butt you again. And especially not wiff no football helmet since I had ta turn it in when I got fired.
9:49 a.m.

Evelyn Lozado: It's too late Chad. I have already replaced you wiff a future draft choice. So you can tell your bro ho Terrell ta share his case of condoms wiff you.
9:53 a.m.

Terrell Owens: Say Evelyn you cute looking mama, I betcha dat I am a whole hell of a lot better looking than dat future draft choice you be talkin' 'bout.
9:57 a.m.

Chad Ochocinco: Say brutha. What da hell ju be doin' trying ta move in on my woman like dat?
10:03 a.m.

Terrell Owens: Oh I 'pologize little brutha. I just kinda figured since da woman had dumped jur butt dat maybe I could just take a look see around and see what der is ta see, if ja get my drift.
10:06 a.m.

Kobe Bryant: Hello Evelyn. This is Kobe Bryant of the soon-to-be world champion Los Angeles Lakers, and peaches I'm worth $200 million.
10:09 a.m.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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