Written by Tommy Twinkle
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Monday, 20 August 2012

image for Ron & Fred: Multiculturalism. Acquired Taste.

"What was all that abaht Fred, you've gone n upset that Irish gaffer right good n proper."

"Paddy the bloody plonker 'e is. Stands there tellin' me I'm a raceeist just 'cause I tells 'im I don't wanna pint o' Guinness. Twat!"

"Gotta be careful these days Fred, yer can't go rahnd makin' racist remarks mate."

"Raceeist remarks? I was up at the the bar t' get me rahnd in, Paddy comes along t' serve me, so I says two pints of bitter please. You got sumfing against the Irish, he asks, only I've noticed you never ask for a Guinness. Serious 'e was Ron, I could tell he was bein' serious."

"Fing is, they're very religious people, the Irish are Fred."

"Religious? What the bloody 'ell 'as religion got t' do wiv it? Just pour me the two pints ov bitter I said, and if I ever want a pint ov that Irish muck I'll bloody well ask for it, and not before. That was a raceeist comment you just made there he says. Stupid prat!"

"Bit strong though Fred, calling it muck to an Irishman. Very offensive fing t' say that was."

"Give over."

"Well, it aint only the Irish, people are very sensitive nowadays to racism, yer need t' be more tactful. You should've just said it takes too long t' wait for it t' settle. More tactful, see?"

"Rubbish, I calls fings as I finds 'em, always 'ave, always will. Why should I 'ave t' go tip-toeing arahnd not givin' my 'onest opinion 'baht fings?"

"Well, yer can't do it these days Fred, callin' their national drink muck is offendin' their culture. It's not allowed mate."

"It's just my 'onest opinion. To me it IS muck. I can't stand the bleedin' stuff Ron. I wasn't runnin' dahn the Irish."

"I agree it's muck Fred, but you've gotta be more tactful like I says."

"Too bloody much ov it nowadays there is."

"What, Guinness? That muck?"

"No, too much ov the political correctness. Mustn't say this, mustn't say that. Makes people afraid to open their bleedin' mouth it does."

"You're not supposed t' call 'em Paddy either, not any more yer not."

"Really? What about the Jocks then, people call them Jocks. And geezers from Wales, Taffy."

"Mustn't do it, Fred. Thems days are over n gawn."

"Well I won't be doin' my drinkin' in 'ere fer much longer if there's any more of that. I aint a bleedin' raceeist."

"That's why old Joe don't come in 'ere anymore, does 'is drinkin' dahn The Bell now 'e does."

"What was that abaht then, Ron?"

"Few weeks back, similar t' you it was Fred, only old Joe 'ad a moan abaht the Irish stew Paddy's wife served up one lunchtime. Fink old Joe 'ad ordered mulligatawny soup n she serves 'im up Irish stew. Called that Irish muck as well 'e did. They 'ad the police dahn 'ere n ev'ryfing. Charged 'im. Case comes up in court next munf."

"Well there yer go, that proves I'm not a raceeist. Very nice is Irish stew."

"Well, granted it's a point in your favour Fred, whereas with old Joe 'e don't go much on the Guinness either yer see, so old Joe's up the creek wivout the proverb'al paddle on that score. Mind you, he IS a racist, 'cause old Joe don't 'ave a good word t' say abaht anyfing foreign, pizzas, Indian curries, the lot. Bit ov a roast beef on Sundee man is old Joe."

"Xenophobic like. Must be in 'is eighties though, Ron."

"No excuse mate, not these days it aint."

"They're a bit cheesy, but I don't mind the occasional pizza. Not a great one fer cheese me, but that applies to cheddar as well. No, I aint got nuffink against the dagos."

"So basic'ly you've just got this problem wiv the Irish. Is that what yer sayin'?"

"Ron, I aint got no problem wiv the Irish. Irish people are alright. Like I said, I likes Irish stew, it's just that 'orrible drink what I don't like. Can't 'elp it mate, I just don't like the taste of it."

"So what abaht the uvver ones then, thems from furver afield? Like the Asian grub do yer? Old Joe won't try any ov it, says it's all muck."

"Well Joe's bein' a very silly man. Who can say they don't like a nice Tikka Massala? I'm not mad on the uvvers, but I luvs a nice Tikka Massala."

"Ah, well yer see the Tikka Massala's not really the authentic Asian curry. As curries go it's more ov yer crossbreed 'cause it was invented 'ere in Britain t' suit the Great British palate yer see. Sort ov a hybrid."

"Gotter be 'onest Ron, my stomach can't 'andle a vindaloo."

"Well that doesn't make you an outright racist Fred, it just means yer've still got t' sweep out a few dusty corners like, same as I do, same as a lot of us do I s'pose if troof be told."

"Not easy fer some people though, this multiculture fingy lark. Yer can't really blame old Joe fer wan'ing t' stick t' the Sundee joint if that's what 'e likes. Where's the 'arm in it?"

"But 'e won't make the effort Fred. The multiculture fing aint gonna work unless we all make the effort. Take time t' get it right, ov course it will, but there's good in all ov these dif'rent cultures."

"Irish stew for instance."

"Precisely. Yer've gotta find the right mixtures, keep tryin' this wiv that until yer find sumfing pleasant t' the taste buds ov ev'ryone."

"Well if them Tikka Massala's are a sign ov fings t' come, there won't be any complaints comin' from me Ron."

"Nor me. They are nice aint they. Wajja say we knock these back then nip in t' that Indian restaurant along the road before we go 'ome Fred?"

"Sahnds like a good idea t' me that does Ron, sahnds like a good idea t' me."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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