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Saturday, 4 August 2012

image for Martin Shuttlecock's Letters From Barcelona - Day Three And El Raval Ten Euro Me Love You Long Time

Night time: Sagrada Familia, El Raval and Ladyboys - As regular readers are probably aware, Martin Shuttlecock can't write for peanuts, has no comprehension of the concept of humour, or irony, or even basic table manners.

So we sent a Skoob News reporter out to interview him. In a cockroach infested crackhouse up an alley in Barcelona's notorious El Raval district.

"It's not really all that notorious any more," Shuttlecock said, from his garret in El Raval. "It's not even really dodgy. It's just people of all races, faiths, and ethnic backgrounds getting on with life. Mind you, they've kind of cleaned it up since we first came here. I think they called it 'Espongement' - which basically means they've mopped up and kicked all the'badasses' out of the neighbourhood, and shipped them out to Hospitalet, Badalona and places like that. Out in the sticks.

"There's still the odd dealer lurking up the darker Carrers, and quite a few bored looking 'ladies of the night' hanging around, but to be honest, they're about as attractive as watching Arsenal. And they look like they're watching Arsenal too. Either that, or they're sucking lemons..."

And so...El Temple D'Expiatori Del Sagrada Familia, at night, floodlit?

"Yeah, that was cool," Shuttlecock said. "Gaudi's Nativity Facade is a jaw dropper. But me grandkids just shrugged and went back to listening to Adele on their iPods. Then we went into the park and had some sandwiches and a couple of beers out of a cooler bag, because the tightwads in the family I married into are allergic to spending money.

"Unless it's self assembly firewood off E-Bay or crap tee-shirts that don't survive the first wash. I didn't really care though. Sagrada Familia is a unique experience, and I enjoyed it. Mind you - I needed to get out, or I'd have thrown the grandkids off the balcony of the hovel we stay in."

And the Ladyboys?

"Oh. Them. That was at Sant Antoni Metro Station. I'm not homophobic or anything, so I'm not poking fun at them because they were gay. They were just funny. There were three of them, all over six feet tall, wearing long blonde wigs, tiny hotpants and towering stiletto heels. The wife said that one of them had a really big nose, but I didn't really notice that.

"What it was, right - one of them walked with that rolling Mancunian Liam Gallagher type swagger. Very not effete. At all. If he'd have said: "All riiiighht lads. I'm mad for it, me, I am an dat innit aaare kid" it wouldn't have been a surprise. But like I said - not a good image for a six foot tranny in a blonde big hair wig, tiny hot pants and stiletto heels. Then it occurred to me later that this 'bloke' reminded me a bit of our resident Spoof tranny, Iain B. Who once dressed as a woman for a week, and wrote about his experiences on the site.

"I don't think it was Iain though. I'd like to think that if I ever bumped into him in Barcelona he'd come and say hello, and hopefully buy me a couple of pints. Still, it makes you wonder..."

More from Shuttlecock when he catches up.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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