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Monday, 2 July 2012

image for Orb-Web Spider's Removable Penis Finishes Without Him. Lucky Orb-Spider. I know my dick is around here some... Shit! I left it in that girl from last night, didn't I? Dammit!

Orb-Web Spider's Removable Penis Finishes Without Him. Lucky Orb-Spider.

Dig if you will a picture: It's 6:30AM. You have 45 minutes to shit, shower and shave before you trudge off to the job that is slowly sucking your life-force away.

Ripping Your Own Yogurt Chucker Off, Mid-hump, Makes As Much Sense...
... as calling a story with no actual names "too defamatory". Sadly, both happen more often than is logical.

You look at the wife. And while she smells like greasy hair and the sausage farts you were lightin' off under the covers last night, it'd still be the highlight of your day to whitewash her uterus before heading off.

Work. Butter-gutter. What to choose, what to choose?

Well, If you were an Orb-spider, you could dip in, detach, and your penis'd do all the work while you're trying not to commit suicide in the employee parking lot.

Sex can be dangerous, even if the lady of the house isn't crusting her panties with a yellow-white, cottage-cheese-like discharge. Especially if the missus has plans to rip your fucking head off and eat you.

Enter (giggle) the male orb-web spider. He knows what the fuck's up, and he comes to the party with some special equipment: A Gongulator that not only is removable, but keeps pumping even after the owner's moved on!

There are downsides to having a portative pee-pee, of course.

First, you only get one fuck per lifetime. Once the schmeckle is removed, it can't be reattached.

"It is true, most species of spiders exhibit the 'eunuch phenomenon'," said some guy who gets paid to look at bug dicks. "The males castrate their entire meat pickle while gettin' stankie on the hang-downs."
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So what evolutionary purpose does an animal without a dick serve?

"Well, let me explain," said that researcher. Or another researcher, maybe. I don't know. Fuck you. I'm not even into this story anymore. I'm just using it as a delivery system for dick jokes.

"Our researchers collected 50 virgin orb-web spiders, 25 each, male and female, and raised them in the lab until they reached sexual maturity."

"They were mated in pairs by placing the smaller males into the female's web. The researchers recorded how long they mated, who stopped the mating, and how much cock broke off."

Ok, still going with the whole researcher quote premise: "88% of the time the spiders left the whole schlongeroonie in the female. So, once they were done, we left the penis in the female for different amounts of time, then measured how much sperm was left in the spiderdick and in the female's sexual organs."

"We found that the detached genitalia continued to transfer sperm after sex ended! About 30 percent of sperm were transferred to the females before the dick breakoff, and about 70 percent of sperm were still left in the winkie. Huzzah!"

The study will be published August 1 in the journal Horny Amateur BBW Cephlopods.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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