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Friday, 29 June 2012

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With Spain going cap in hand to the European Central Bank and 15 major European banks having their credit downgraded, many of my followers are asking me what happens next and what we can do to fix the debt crisis before Italy goes down the toilet as well. Well, it's actually quite simple. What economists have been puzzling over for many years, GoldenBoy solved in 10 minutes.

In 1997, while we were dancing along to Barbie Girl by Aqua, the Eurozone governments were coming up with strict rules for every country that wanted to join the single currency. All hail the Euro, which was finally launched in 1999, while we were all still dancing, but now along to Flat Beat by Mr Oizo. When they decided who to let in, they couldn't find their strict rules, so they just made them up as they went along.

In 2008 we stopped dancing. The financial crisis had kicked in. Banks were starting to fall apart. Dizzee Rascal's plea to 'Dance Wiv Me' fell on deaf ears. Since then, the crises have arrived as regularly as the number 16 bus - ie. There's none for a while and then three shows up at once! By 2012 the Eurozone on the verge of collapse and still no one is dancing, although with Cheryl Cole riding high in the charts GoldenBoy doesn't blame anyone!

Looking to the last few years and reading the tea leaves, it's obvious that there's no point in continuing to chuck money at the problem. We need to take decisive action and we need to do it now. Here are my suggestions for saving the Euro:

1. The Eurozone to become the United States of Europe. You only have to look at the USA to see that a single currency requires a single economic policy and that requires a single government. It's time to bite the bullet, admit the inevitable and make Francois Mitterrand's dying wish come true. The name is so similar to the US of A, the British government will have signed up before they notice the difference.

2. Relaunch Greece as a social network - Let's call it 'Greecebook'. All the people there ever seem to do is moan about their lot, which is pretty much the same as Facebook users, except the Greeks don't have many friends left and may require a few 'Pokes' before they respond to financial stimulus. With 11 million users we can relaunch it as a new startup country and persuade Mark Zuckerberg to buy it out, preferably without Morgan Stanley's help this time.

3. Spain, due to its popularity with tourists, will be turned into the planet's largest Theme Park: 'Euroland'. Full employment achieved overnight by turning all the unemployed into theme park hosts and fast food vendors. We could even get PY Gerbeau to run it, which has the added advantage of getting the world's most annoying Frenchman out of Britain.

4. Due to the increase in tourism in Spain it's clear that more alcoholic beverages will be needed. Ireland will be rebranded as 'Guinnessville' and everyone will be put to work in the breweries to meet increased demand. They'll all be paid in beer, removing the need for money and wiping out Ireland's national debt. With the 'ville' in the new name, private sector cash will flood into the US of E from Zynga!

5. As Euroland will be such a huge success, more people will visit. Due to its ideal location, Portugal will be bulldozed and turned into accommodation and travel facilities for the visitors. Another problem solved; full employment to service the increase in tourism.

6. Finally, the Euro will be rebranded as the EuroMark. There will be a picture of Angela Merkel on every coin which shoppers must kiss before handing it over to the cashier, thereby showing their gratitude to our lord and saviour.

The US of E will be able to pay off all of the continent's debts thanks to its new economic model and the nation will also have a kick-ass football team to boot.

Trust GoldenBoy, dust off your dancing shoes and head to Euroland!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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