Written by Matt Brown
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Sunday, 24 June 2012

image for James Cameron outed as some sort of evil, time travelling, visionary genius who enjoys a bit of side boob The distraught parents of Sandy D'eath drown in a sea of their own tears

Sinister rumours have been circulating all day that director James Cameron orchestrated the 1912 demise of the Titanic luxury liner, just so he could make a movie about it. New evidence about the tragic event has shown that Cameron had the idea of making such a film as early as 1898. It was only when he first heard about the Titanic's planned maiden voyage that he decided to take action.

It is believed the lunatic searched high and low for a man who was not only willing to die but one who was beard-worthy enough to play the ship's captain Edward Smith. He also left no stone unturned in his bid to find the perfect villain, that being the iceberg of course. His search took him to Portland, Oregon, the iceberg growing capital of the world. Here he met up with massively up and usually coming iceberg Sandy B D'eath, they agreed to have coffee together at a local mortuary.

We understand that Cameron proposed a 'sink or swim opportunity' to D'eath, one which could net the virtually unheard of wannabee glacier a cool $1m. As part of the deal Sandy would need to agree to participate in Cameron's next two movies, one of which has been referred to as the funniest and grittiest gay superhero crime drama from out of space ever written. D'eath is then alleged to have flat out rejected the deal before letting the director know that he was not for the turning. However, with Cameron being of the mentally unstable persuasion aka one pipe short of a riveting detective novel and the iceberg being well, just an iceberg, Cameron quickly snapped up the slippery bugger and lobbed him into a large sack which he had lying in wait.

Experts speculate that Cameron had then contained Mr. D'eath in his freezer for quite some time prior to his 'big sea' debut, and that in between working on movie scripts and giving his wife the old heave-ho he would often provoke jealousy and rage within the iceberg by showing it pictures of the liner enjoying the finer things in life and frolicking in the park with its sisters. However critics argue that icebergs are extremely intelligent beings who would never bow to the whims of a crazed Hollywood movie director. But what choice did he have, what?

It is also believed he spent months attempting to spin the line that the ship was unsinkable and eventually managed to lull people into a false sense of security and once he had his passengers on-board that was 50% of his plan completed. Having overseen the construction of the ship, Cameron knew full well that all on board would perish but reasoned that the millions he would pull in at the box office and the chance to spot some Kate Winslet side-boob would more than make up for the tragic loss of lives.

Leonardo DiCaprio, star of the film said ''James is just a normal guy you know, he turns up on set, sits in his big chair and yells some things at us and we do it. Sure if we don't always get it right first time he'll fire his laser gun at us, poke us with a cow prod or threaten us with his piranha hand puppet but I feel that it's the best way to get the maximum out of the talent at your disposal. I love James, he's super'.

Such levels of devious planning mixed with huge catastrophic outcomes have not been seen since the 18th century when Frederick Foresight and Abraham Hindsight engaged in a heated argument over the merits of the formers' first published literary work 'Don't you just want to punch people who say I told you so, with several forewords by Mr. Insight'.

The brawl appeared to erupt after Hindsight took umbrage to the book's opening line 'hindsight is a wonderful thing but wouldn't we be better off without it as it can only ever leave us with regrets'? It was a brief fight and it appeared to be over when Foresight stuck out a leg and tripped his adversary, momentarily dazing him whilst he yelled 'I bet you didn't see that coming'. Groggy but still standing Hindsight said 'do you know what, all this fighting wasn't such a good idea after all', the fight ended when God came down and smacked them both with a huge wad of omnipotence. He then began ROFL'ing until he peed himself, what a strange man.

Today ass he left his LA residence, Cameron refused to comment when asked about rumours which have already damaged his once sparkling reputation as one of the world's foremost anthropomorphic telephone boxes capable of swallowing a person whole since well, ever. As he entered his environmentally challenged golf bugger Cameron seemed to be constipated but that's neither here nor there.

Anyway as he drove away he wound down the driver's side window (who knew golf bugs had windows) and shouted 'of course I did it you knuckle dragging, maggot munching hypocritcs, I directed Arnold Schwarzenegger through two whole movies, and you rat faced slimeballs loved it ha ha ha ha ha'! I think it's pretty safe to say that we won't be seeing much more of Mr Cameron in the near future.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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