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Sunday, 24 June 2012

image for Advice, Support & Tips for those entering old age - from Bartholomew Utterswaithe Part 2 Oh, you might want to check that there is ink in your pen!

This article, was designed by the effervescent, disconsolate, decrepit, depressed Bartholomew Utterwaithe (66), to offer help, support, succour and advice to those of the population who are entering their 60's - in an effort to lessen the culture-shock suffered by many, when they also get made redundant at 62 years of age, then suffer heart failure, loneliness, depression, and being overcharged for what bits of food they can afford to buy from Lidl, and Aldi stores.

His intention is to pass on his experiences in the hope that others will be more betterer prepared than wot he was for caducity, feebleness and fatuity!

Advice, Support & Tips for those entering old age - Part Two
Preparations for Leaving the house

For Medical appointments - Shopping - & Benefit Office visits

Making reference notes (Reminders) beforehand:

Although this idea may sound logical and helpful, a few points to take under consideration are:

* Can you find your pen?
* Try not to lose your reading glasses.
* Double check what you are writing is what you meant to write.
* Try not to go to the loo during your writing session, or stop to make a cuppa, as there will always be the chance that youmay fall asleep on the loo, or start doing something else and forget you were writing the note, or that you going out in the first place.
* Do not lose the note you have written.
* Do not forget to put the finished note in your coat pocket or bag, and try to make sure you put on the same coat, or to take the bag out with you!

Remember to take your Medications:

* Take your morning medication before you start to plan or get ready for the trip - and place your noon medications in your pocket or bag.
* Do not forget the tube of Ibuprofen pain gel, and not to confuse it with toothpaste again!
* When going out, it is recommended that you delay your water-tablet until you return to the loo... I mean house.

On Departure Checks:

Just before to go out of the door, I find it advisable to make a few checks:

* Are you wearing your slippers or shoes?
* Have you got both hearing aids in and switched on?
* Are the batteries working in them?
* Have you got the right glasses on?
* Have you got your bus pass with you?
* Have you got the required money with you?
* Pyjamas or trousers on?
* If trousers, are the flies zipped up?
* Is your nose running? - check for tissues in your bag!
* Can you recall where it was you were going to?
* Did you remember to have a wash and shave?
* Make sure you check you are aware of what day it is!
* Did you lock the doors?
* Did you turn if the cooker?
* Did you turn off the heater?
* Did you turn off the laptop?
* Did you leave any taps running?
* Have you remembered to take your 1982 model mobile phone with you in case of emergencies?
* Have you taken your medical records cards and appointment notes with you?
* Make sure your Anticoagulation warning card and INR Warfarin level cards are with you!
* Remember your hat and umbrella?

Final Checks on exiting the hovel:

* Do a visual check of the street in both directions for gangs of yobboes, Big Issue sellers, potential muggers and any coins in the gutter.
* Test-out your arthritic knees as you step into the used condoms, smashed beer bottles and sick on the pavement outside your crumbling house.
* Remember to lock the door and put the key safely in your pocket, and try to remember which!

At this point Bartholomew fell asleep, but assured us when he woke up 19 hours later, that he hopes to offer more advice for potential OAPs when he remembers what it was.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
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