Written by Hunter Thomas
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Thursday, 21 June 2012

Congratulations! Your fresh out of collage, and you have decided to embark on a career as a Capitol Hill lobbyist. One of many things that you must always keep forefront in your mind is that you are joining the ranks of an exclusive prestigious club where access is earned through hard work and using your head. There is much to be gained if you are up to the task at hand.

The people who you will be working with are the crème of the crop of the American population who have been selectively groomed to achieve the positions of power that they hold and are the movers and shakers whom the foundations of democracy are built. You are about to embark on this noble quest to gain access into this exclusive power club and contribute to greasing the gears that contribute to maintaining our great republic.

Basically, your job depends on the actions and interactions of 535 people who have the power to pull the trigger, so to say, and vote for the things that your clients have employed you to gain the favor necessary to sway the prestigious member to vote, one way or the other on important issues that will earn your employer money which is what you will be paid with. That's your job in a nutshell.

The actual issues you are lobbying for are important in context of how it will reflect on the member being swayed and how it will make them look back home and in the media. In the scheme of things, this is really a very small part of your job. More importantly your success or failure will come down to how much your lobbying firm is willing to contribute to their pact fund and the length of your esophagus.

First things first. You must learn to persevere and do whatever is necessary to get the access needed to complete your mission. Ultimately this is where you prove the kind of man or women you are to your fellow lobbyist. What this means is that you have the all important task of persuading a member of government to vote on issues that are important to your clients needs while keeping what you have to do to get that vote, low key and off the radar so to speak so that the member is able to benefit from your services without garnering negative media and public disclosure. It is a tough and challenging job.

So then let's break it down. 535 Congressional and Senate offices all staffed with multiple points of access in terms of office employees, press people, congressional and senate aids, chief of staffs, committee members, all of whom are connected with two or three body orifices. Ultimately, you will be dealing with a lot of folks who all have one terrible trait in common which ultimately will be your biggest challenge in regards to performing your job as a lobbyist. And that is, they are all human.

Since most of the power on Capitol Hill is still controlled for the most part by the male member of the human species, most of your job will be dealing with a member who has a member to get to another member who also has a member. All of whom need to be properly facilitated. Understanding the nature of this situation, it should not be hard to figure out what they want and where they want it, in terms of how to apply your best lobbying skills.

Tools of the Trade

Your appearance is critical. You must look the part to play the game. Your suites need to be the best that money can buy and specially tailored for the job at hand. This means reinforced fabric on the knees and custom made suite pockets reinforced and water proofed to carry large amounts of cash and tools of the lobbying trade. Same goes for industrial grade belt buckles, pant buttons and steel reinforced zippers which will be put to the test many times during a hard days work on the hill. For the female lobbyist working the hill, you will never be more thankful that you can wear a dress and use your purse to carry around extra panties and conceal the other tools used to conduct lobbying affairs on the hill.

Supplies

Condoms should be bought in bulk, Trojans being the preferred brand by most Capitol Hill staffers. These will come in handy for your protection as well as the protection of the many prostitutes, transvestites, perverts, dominatrix and animal acts that you will be hiring as subcontractors to assist you in your work.

Some other miscellaneous items you might want to add to your list are a small box of handy wipes, industrial strength mouth wash, breath mints, stain remover, lip balm, lip lube, jacko lube, and a bib. Yes, that's right, a bib! You do not want to show up at your next meeting with a hill staffer with a previous meeting all over your shirt and tie. This is what the lobbyist call; "Lobby Sloppy" and should be avoided at all cost. After all do not forget the hard earned lessons of Bill Clinton.

When first starting out and low on funds, you may find yourself in the position of having to rely on yourself for some of the introductory gratuities that once you achieve your first lobbying success you will be able to afford and pass off to able and willing subcontractors. But for now, you will have to, no pun intended, suck it up.

How to Gain Access to Lower Level Congressional and Senate
Staff Members

Usually, these are easy targets. At this level you will be dealing with people who are desperate for attention, underpaid, unmercifully sexually exploited, and as part of their job are asked to do every humiliating task you can imagine. These are the people who will climb the ranks of power by attaching themselves to the people who have the money, connections and influence to get elected These people are more commonly known as CHRs. Short for Capitol Hill Remoras, named after the fish that attaches to the gills of a shark and eats whatever a shark leaves behind after a feeding.

The price of access to these people is usually next to nothing and can be purchased by providing a decent meal at subway or a six pack of cheep beer. In many cases, they are happy just to have someone approach them asking for something besides a favor involving a toilet brush or a breath mint.

Weeding out these poor souls is not that hard. Most of them can be found after working hours roaming the bars on Capitol Hill feeding on the free happy hour buffets. Easy pickings.

Mid Level Senate and Congressional Staff Members

This is where it starts getting dicey. These little fucks have the power to make or break you and they know it. This also where you will start making use of those reinforced knee pads you hopefully had sewn into you new suite. Most of the people populating the mid level ranks of the capitol hill power game are either gay or fat slobs with wives that do not put out on the home front and use their positions of being attached to the people in power to get whatever perk, cash or ass related freebie that they can get their hands on.

One thing that needs to be pointed out here is that it's not the gay guys you have to be worried about. These guys notoriously take care of each other and are ones who really make things work on Capitol Hill. The ones you have to worry about are the so called happily married family types who serve their masters and roam the sacred halls of democracy prowling for whatever handout they can connive. These are the ones who will test your all of your professional lobbing skills to the max.

Strategy

First you must obtain an initial meeting with a low level staffer by providing a foot long sub and a complementary six pack of beer. This act of kindness should be able to garner you a meet and greet with one of the beast, whom is the next step up your way to a meeting with a grand Pupa (Senator or Congressman), the mid level staffer.

Your first encounter with the mid level staffer is usually a quick exchange of greetings and titles during which you hand off a business card wrapped in a twenty and an invitation to the swankiest place you can afford to meet for lunch. If there is a wedding ring on the finger of the hand you are shaking you might suggest the nicest strip bar in town. If this offer is not accepted then be sure to bring the condoms and mouth wash to lunch. (Don't forget your bib!)

The Power Lunch

So you have accomplished your first mission and arraigned for a meeting with a mid level staff member. It is extremely important that you come properly prepared for anything that might happen. Prepare a check list and include; condoms, handy wipes, personal lubrication, lip balm, cash envelopes and make sure not to forget your bib. Access bequest it's self upon those who come prepared for anything that might happen. Do not waste you valuable supply space by bringing a fancy Ipad or lap top. Instead, use the case for packing an extra pair of clean undies and to use as a knee pad, or a make shift spittoon.

The Meeting

Since your just starting out you'll probably meet for lunch at a place that you can not really afford, but do so anyway because without providing a swanky lunch, there will be no opportunity for the offering of access by either party. Besides, it is expected that you provide the object of access with a feeding opportunity that shows you respect the basic rules of lobbydom. No free lunch equals no meeting and no access.

In the unfortunate possibility that your lobbying firm does not provide you with reimbursement for this encounter, then you will have put to use your lobbying skills to get the cash you need for financing the power lunch.

One option is to go to the mall and buy something purchased with your JC Penny charge card and sell it in the parking lot. The other more likely way to earn the cash is to hit Fourteenth Street dressed as a hooker and perform a few BJs for passing lunch hour patrons from Capitol Hill in exchange for lunch money.

Keep positive! It's a great way to practice gag reflex control and allows you to work on and improve your lobbying techniques. Disguise yourself well, avoid the reach arounds and you should have little difficulty raising the cash needed for your big lunch. The biggest draw back is that you might run into your mid level staffer you will be meeting while conducting business. If your disguise is well conceived, then this should not be a problem.

It All Begins with You

On the day of your big meeting be sure to shave well as beard burn is a quick way to loose a hot prospect. Also, be sure to come prepared for the worst. Case in point; After the battle of Gettysburg, the town's folk picked up a little trick that has been passed on through the generations to the lobbyist. To combat the smell from the decaying bloated exploding carcasses on the battlefield, the town's folk would rub peppermint spirit under their noses to keep projectile vomiting in check. This tip should serve even the most seasoned lobbyist well even when considering that the fat bloated carcass you will be servicing is still alive. Being that personal hygiene comes second to money and power on Capitol Hill the peppermint spirits should be enough to cover the fowl stench of crotch rot and failure to wipe ass rot that you will encounter while performing your job.

Lobbying Economics 101

To save money, and yet put up a good front, arrive early at the restaurant and find a table that has someone's left over lunch still on the table. Discreetly take ownership of the location and rearrange the plates of half eaten food and assemble a decent looking plate for your invitee. Then collect half empty glasses of wine from surrounding tables and bus bins and fill the glasses at your table so that when the staffer arrives it looks as if you have already ordered lunch. Should you look the part, no one will suspect that you are freeloading so be sure to be discreet as to not attract attention to yourself. This strategy can save you a fortune as most hill staffers eat like pigs and have been known to plow down a few hundred dollars worth of food in a single sitting.

Have your talking points written down so you can refer to them as you watch your staffer eat his lunch. If asked why you are not eating explain that you are on a restricted diet due to contracting a intestinal bug you got on a recent cruise. Using this strategy might help you to evade some of the after lunch negotiating, however, keep in mind, that the hill staffers have been known to take on infected wildebeest during freebie jaunts to Africa, so don't count on this saving you, but it is worth a shot.

Normal behavior for a staffer is to eat, pretend to be listening, drink as much wine and beer as possible, sit back and light up a cigar which you will have provided. The cigar trick is to buy a cheap drug store cigar and place a Havana cigar band copied off of the internet and wrapped around the el cheepo cigar. Since most of these smucks don't know the difference between a good Havana stogie and a cheap el crappo cigar, you'll be racking up good impression points that will bring you that much closer to your lobbying goals. You will also earn a few extra points for carrying a lighter to light it for them. Makes them feel important.

As fatso smokes the stogie the moment has come to make your next move and ask for a meeting with the next guy up on the totem pole, which is the Chief of Staff. Usually there is a short pause, a puff on the cigar and a glance down at the crotch of the staffer. This is your cue to discreetly slide under the table and exchange gratuities. (Once again, do not forget your bib, mouthwash and peppermint spirits.) It might also be a good idea to break out the wet wipes and clean the site of the exchange as the hill staffers are not known for their personal hygiene and the fact that you might be following a previous meeting with some other lobbyist who did not have the decency to clean up after his meeting.

Following the exchange you will find it necessary to excuse yourself and rush to the bathroom to vomit and wash your mouth out with industrial strength mouth wash. Be sure to include in your lobbying supplies some number seven pancake make up to cover the broken blood vessels on your face from the severity of the projectile vomiting. There is nothing in the world that prepares you for this type of vomiting.
Following this, you return to the table and remind the staffer of the meeting with the Chief of Staff.

Have you performed your job well, the staffer pulls out his electronic device and sets up the meeting, if not, it will be necessary set up another meeting with the staffer and provide another exchange of gratuities. If you swallowed, then this should not be an option, however if you gagged or bit down too hard, another exchange might be the order of the day.

Chief of Staff

They don't call them Chief of Staff for nothing. Assuming that you have arraigned for your next meeting then it's time to ramp things up in regards to your negotiating. This next meeting is your big chance to arrange the golden access point, which is the meeting with the Congressman or Senator. This is the opportunity for you to prove your real worth as a professional lobbyist.

First rule of thumb for an encounter with a Chief of Staff is to provide a service that will gain you access to the big cheese. As part of your preparation for this meeting, you will need what lobbyist on the hill refer to as; "hole maintenance". What this means, is that if it has a hole, it is of value to your goal of achieving success as a Capital Hill lobbyist and you must take care to maintain the holes, including your own to ensure they are in tip top condition to assist you with your main objective.

However, you must do your research on this staff member and be very selective of the type of hole in which you will bring with you to assist in making sure this meeting is a success. Select your hole carefully by determining the level of access on which you are trying to achieve. Low level congressional committee staffers are known for their easy access in this regard. A $20 dollar transvestite will often suffice. In some cases it is common knowledge that a toothless bum wearing a paper bag over his head with a hole poked in it, has reaped basic intros to higher level committee members.

In certain cases, and depending on your physical assets, your holes might also be employed in engaging the staff member in you lobbying efforts. Some firms will reimburse you for these extra holes, while others will only provide free condoms and free samples of cherry flavored lubrication. Be forewarned however, that these items will in all likelihood be deducted from your pay check at steeply inflated cost, so it is better in many cases to supply your own products.

Depending on what the hole is attached to will in large part depend on the level of access that you are trying to achieve. For those of you just starting out as a lobbyist, your hole may be the only hole you can afford for the time being, so it is advised to thoroughly clean and shave your hole, or holes, depending on your sexual orientation before each and every encounter with hill staffers or members of the Senate and Congress.

Now comes the lunch meeting with the Chief of Staff. In this case, unless you are extremely inventive in the lunch scrap gathering technique, you should expect to pay full price for lunch. This will probably set you back at least a few hundred dollars. Like the low level staffers, these people eat like pigs, especially when someone else is footing the bill. Expect the liquor tab to run an addition hundred bucks or so.

Eye contact here is extremely important. Unlike the lower level staff members, the Chief of Staffs have much more field experience and expect a different level of treatment in terms of gaining favor. For the most part the Chief of Staff basically will finish his meal, belch, and then point to his crotch. If not, consider yourself lucky.

If you're lucky enough to dodge the "Lobby Slobby", the lunch meeting usually continues at his office on the hill where the first order of business if to leave an envelope of cash, say five grand or so on his desk. In many cases this is the end of the meeting and you will be called in a few days to arrange the meeting with the Senator or Congressman.

But, there are also many times when this is not the end of the meeting. You will know by what the lobbyist call the "closer factor". If the Chief of Staff gets up and closes the door, it's time to factor in the condoms, mouthwash and bib. However, it is considered proper edict to at this point offer up whatever other hole you might have brought with you as back up, which should be strategically standing by down the hall and available within sixty seconds or less of a quickly placed cell phone call.

It all depends on the level of access. Low level access is usually granted with a blow job, hand job, face fuck and a good meal followed by a small financial contribution to the political pact of their choice. If you find performing these gratuities distasteful, and your budget permits it, then you should plan on hiring what they call a lobber. A lobber is a hole of your choice that, if it fits your budget, you take to the meetings with you and offer up as an introduction gift to the key members of the Senate or Congressional staff members you encounter and saves you the wear and tear on your own holes.

Now assuming that all goes well with the Chief of Staff and he is pleased with your lobbying skills, then you should receive notice of a brief meeting with the number one. The grand Puba.

Now you hit the big time, but let us differentiate between a Congressman, and a Senator. Congressmen are as they say on the hill, like pinch hitters who have some power to affect the game in a limited capacity. They are still power players, but their standards and expectations are lower then that of Senators and must treated accordingly.
Let's start with your meeting with the Congressman
Expect your meeting with the Congressman to happen on Capitol Hill in his office. Should the meeting be scheduled at an outside location, say at a hotel or in the back of a limo, be sure to come prepared for sexual gratuities in the form of the highest price hooker you can afford, a large cash bribe, and just to be on the safe side, bring your bib and mouth wash.

Since your dealing with roughly 435 Congressman, the odds of encountering some sort of perversion is relatively high. This could include just about anything that is available in terms of what the human mind can conceive, which means, that depending on your threshold of what you will, and will not do in the line of duty could defiantly affect your access.

On the high end, you can expect that something will probably be done to yours or somebody else's rear end. On the low end, you might be dealing with things that require a bio hazard team for clean up. So beware. It's out there.
Now if you're thinking that you can get away with offering tickets to a ball game or a free vacation jaunt. Forget it. These guys have corporate government affairs people who flood them with those kind of gifts. What they are looking for from the lobbyist is a cash bribe, and a hole to stick their pole.

Same goes for Senators, except the bribe is usually bigger and the hookers are twice as expensive. Good news with the Senators, depending on gender, is unless you are a female lobbyist with decent looks, then you should not have to worry about self service.

Basically once you get to this level, your job is basically done. All you have to do is provide the bribe and the hole, and your job is finished and you can pat yourself on the back, and start all over and do it again on Monday.

Hunter Thomas

dc Lampoon National Affairs Editor

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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