Written by David Grant
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Saturday, 16 June 2012

image for Star Trek Inventions That Would not Work Quite as Depicted Dissing Inertial Dampeners

P. R. Nickerty, the author of Sci-Fi Science Analyst, has included in his book a list of problematic inventions from the Star Trek franchise.

As I am a dedicated Trekologist, the boss asked me to talk to this numskull who is dissing my favorite TV show, I mean, he asked me to interview Mr. Nickerty. I spoke to him in his drab, unimaginative office in New York.

He started the interview by grumbling about the Universal Translator that is used in Star Trek.

He said, "Nobody seems to admit the fact that even if this wonderful device could exist in reality, the lips of the speaker and his alien words would be out of sync. When, for example, Kirk or anyone else is posing as an alien, wouldn't it look strange when he starts speaking like a character from a cheap spaghetti western?"

I was starting to become annoyed at his flimsy argument and pointed out that many people can speak without moving their lips. Additionally, part of Star Fleet training would probably include ventriloquism.

He raised another objection, " What about the Inertial Dampeners that prevent starship crew from being squished by the unbelievable acceleration when going to warp speed? The flight is as smooth as a baby's bottom, but one small phaser blast from an enemy ship and they're falling about all over the place."

He was obviously clutching at straws, and I told him that these dampeners could be taken offline. His only reply to that was, "Why would they do that in a battle?"

Realizing that he was losing the argument he stated his final desperate point, "Have you tried to drink from Square Glasses as used in Star trek? You see them all the time on Deep Space Nine. The liquid goes shooting passed both sides of your mouth, or you have to try and drink from one of the corners."

I left the interview with my belief in Star Trek intact. Until my next science article then my friends, I drink to Star Trek out of my square coffee cup … Aarrghhhh!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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